In our current life, there are few things that dictate how we live. We bother so much with time and physicality that we forget that in truth time does not exist and physicality is not permanent.

Time is only found with in paradoxical logic. Only with in time can you say that the present does not really exist. We can say that the future is instantaneously transformed into the present hence we always experience the future. Then again, we can also say that the present is always happening. The present is in permanent existence because as the future is experienced it is constantly morphed into the present. As for the past, when it is remembered, is seen as if it were happening during the present.

So what is this fascination with time? Are we so consumed that we do not see the truth? That time itself does not follow linear logic? It’s disappointing to see people always wonder and worry where the time goes and how fast it flies away. They must in some way change their view upon the world and see it as not a linear piece of machinery but an interwoven web of energy with “Time” used as its scaffolding.

Physicality is what drives most people in their life. May it be the pursuit of something beautiful to the eye, appealing to taste, smell and hearing, and tingling to the touch, this is what most people seek out. But can we truly depend on our senses when they are limited in range and quality to begin with? Can we truly depend on them when needed if they are constantly debilitating, as we get older? The truth is that physicality is fleeting. Our senses weaken and lessen over time. Thus making living life on a materialistic state, pointless. For what is the point of living life with all the materials in the world if soon, you could not see it, feel it, hear it, smell it or taste it?

What can we depend on then if our senses are deceptive? Can we then depend on “certainties”? Certainties like the cooling effect of iced coffee on a hot day or the shocking fear of a car crash. Can we then depend on that what we know could be true? Do we know our more solid, more visceral certainties; pain, hate, love, joy & elation; Emotions? Because even if their power may be unbearable at times, and difficult to control, we know what those emotions feel like. The only subjective thing would be the effect of these emotions upon people but the fact still remains that pain is pain and happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.


It had been a little over three years since he had seen his home. The place he knew, the place he grew up, met and made friends, had his first kiss under a tree, where his family lived, his home. He left paradise for a few reasons. Such as the blinding glory of starting from scratch and making people proud, sacrifices made so that his fathers burden would not be so heavy, living everyday, day to day as if there was no tomorrow and when it came, live it again. Michael was his name. He was gone for so long that he grew up. He lived so many days and in that learned many things. He learned how the world really worked. He had thought that the world was a great place, it was; but it wasn’t always as great as he had imagined. The world at times would be warm but there were days as if it swallowed up everyone and blended it into one big smear of conformity. This, Michael did not care for. He was and still is somewhat of a rebel. Sometimes he was a rebel with a cause but sometimes he was a rebel in search of one. But this was not important to him currently, because it was time to go back home, replenish his glass, which appeared to be almost empty.

December 7, 2004

It’s Michael’s birthday. He was greatly excited for he knew that he was going home soon. In class, all he could think about was the time he would spend with his sisters. He thought about all the important events that he had missed and somehow he thought he had to make up for. First Promenades and Stage plays, yes he had missed so much he thought. He drifted in and out of reality, dreaming and waiting anxiously. He decided to ditch class, spend time sitting outside for it had not gotten too cold just yet and it was a good day, his birthday. He sat by a small tree that had not lost all its leaves yet and drew. With a black pen, he drew on a black surface. Using only his imagination to create his home.

December 17, 2004

Today was his last day at work before Michael went on vacation. His co-workers envied him and at the same time, felt glad that their friend was going home. They all asked if the boy could bring them something from his country. Michael replied with a nod and said of course. As he said that, his shift was up and the next shift was in. He was glad that in one day, he was going home. He walked out quickly as if to get there faster but he also walked calmly as he did not want to scare away his feeling of excitement.

December 18, 2004

He got on a plane and then left. The flight he took was a difficult one. Starting from Logan Airport in Boston to JFK Airport in New York then Anchorage International in Alaska to Seoul, Korea and finally, he landed in Ninoy Aquino International Airport in the Philippines. He had made it home, taking him only twenty-six hours of travel from a Saturday to a Monday, flying over oceans and the International Date Line, he had made it home.


December 20, 2004

As he walked out of the airport, a sea of faces stood before him. No one familiar, he looks left, right, up and down, searching for someone he knew. And then there, he found one. As he glanced left again, he saw him. The man that had given him more then he had, the man he laughed with, cried with and lived with. He saw the man that gave him life, his father. A rush of emotion almost brought him to tears and weakness. Dropping his bag, he yells out a word he has not said in a long time. “Pop! Pop!” he said excitedly. His father looked back and he smiled a smile that could melt the chill that had covered Michael’s heart because he lived away from the warm love of his family. In that instant, the boy knew he was home.

The reunited father and son spoke of trivial things such as the length of the flight, the quality of the food on the plane and weather. Then they spoke of ideas, plans for the day and plans for the future. He expressed some of his ideas and possibilities to his father. In turn, his father just smiled and seemed to pat himself on the back, proud that he had raised such a boy. They also spoke of the Michael’s younger sisters, how they were and what they were up to.

Maria, sixteen going on seventeen, was graduating soon. She took a few college entrance exams and was confident that she would ace them all. She was as busy as ever because she was a senior, working on a few outside school projects and studying for her classes. She and her new boyfriend were getting closer, getting better. And could not wait until Christmas break came along and when she could once again, sit around with her elder brother and be the middle child again.

Laura, fifteen was a stage play actress. At this early age, she and her friends had accomplished putting up and staring in a spoof of Broadway plays entitled “Forbidden Broadway”. Where, they would satirize Broadway plays such as Rent, Phantom of the Opera, Stomp, Miss Saigon and all others. She was not doing so well in school but it didn’t bother her much for she knew what she really wanted to do. Equally excited that the break was coming and when her brother would be with her once more.

Although Michael knew of his sister’s activities, he did not feel the gravity of pride for his sisters, until now. He smiled; content and proud that he had the privilege of being an older brother to these fine ladies.

From a distance, he could see the off-white rooftops of his home. He could not wait until he was there. As the car parked, he leaped out and walked straight into his sister’s room. Strangely, they were not there, he yelled out their names as if desperation set in.

“Mara! Lore!” nicknames of those he loved.

A voice answered saying that they were in his room. Michael, skipping steps, ran up the stairs and saw them, his sisters. Love could be shown in many ways. From holding hands, kissing, hugging, smiling and more, there are many ways to show someone that you love them. Hence he hugged them; he hugged them tight. He showed his sisters that he missed them so much and that he loved them. He truly loved them.

The day was young and so was Michael. He and his sisters, after sorting out his suitcase sharing what gifts he had brought with his family, drove to the local mall to meet up with some of his oldest and dearest friends.


The Town Center Mall, or Town as most of its patrons call it, was an amazing place. There were fountains shooting water into the sky and palm trees high and mighty, stores full of people, and an over all ambiance of comfort. This is where Michael had spent most of is time growing up; and the place was as beautiful as ever. This place held with in its walls an amazing assortment of great and terrible memories. This time he thought, there would be only great memories.

He walks through the automatic doors, takes a whiff of the circulated air and calmed him self. He takes each step as if they were his first, one-foot after the other, left then right and then left again. He made his way down to the center of the mall, where he and his friends would always meet up. He looked around and didn’t see anyone he knew. He was surrounded by a blur of faces; faces of patrons wading through each store of the mall.

Michael turns to his sisters and says, “Send them a text message and ask them where they are.”

A voice breaks through the crowd; he looks and sees his best friend, his close friend, his brother.

“Dude!” Michael exclaims with disbelief
“What’s up?! It’s been so long bro’! How are you? When did you land? Are you excited?” excitedly asked by the person.
“Kevin! Give me a hug you bastard! Yea, I actually just landed a few hours ago and I had to come out and see all of you! Where’s the band? Are we meeting them today? Who’s do we know that here? Where are they? Where is everyone?”
“Well, they weren’t sure what time you’d be back so they decided to watch a movie. But I’ll call em up and tell em that you’re here. Eeee! I’m so excited” Kevin said, as he bounced around from side to side clearly elated that his best friend, his close friend, his brother; is home.
“Alright. Dude, dude, relax, slowdown, by the time we make it to the bar later on tonight you’d be dead.” Michael said.
“I cant help it I’m excited! Oh! Here comes Riz’ and she’s with the Nicole’s and… dude… I think SHE is here too… Cams I mean…“ Kevin’s excitement turned to flat tension.

In the midst of this temporary laps in time a song plays in the background. The mall would regularly play some local hits and it was playing a song called “Cozy”.

It’s been a while since I last held you in my arms.
This time I know it’s not that easy for you to slip away
Cuz’ I’m coming back to stay.
Don’t turn around to early
From what I see it’s not the end
What I’m about to do aint easy
But it’s my chance to make a start
All over again…
No need to worry about tomorrow
There’s no greater love
Then what I’m about to give you…


It had been almost one year since Michael had seen Cams, and almost six months since they had exchanged words. With in that last year, a great many events had occurred. Cams was Maria’s friend and that’s how he met her. The two did not become friends instantly, in fact they had only been acquaintances for a time but there was something different that everyone could see. There was this, spark, sexual tension or this instant connection; however it was called, it was there. It was like something out of a movie, where the lead sees his lady for the first time. It was more then just a tawdry teen lust thing or basic sexual attraction, it was unexplainable comforting tension between Michael and Cams; even if they did not act upon it right away, it was difficult to ignore. Their mutual friends, including Michael’s sister Maria, had warned Michael about Cams and who they said she truly was. They said that he should not be spending too much time getting to know her or speaking to her; they had told him that she was not who she appeared to be, that she was not a good person. She was the mummer amidst the reality and truth.

Michael was greatly distressed about this. On one hand, he could not deny this great attraction but on the other hand, he also could not deny his sister. Confusion was all that he entertained at the time. When it came time for him to leave and travel once more, it was all he had with in his mind.

He arrived in Boston on the eighteenth of January 2004; and the only thing that was on his mind was Cams. This was strange, as the two did not even know one another; it was like an itch he could not scratch. He was moving some of his belongings on this day, shirts, denims, sneakers, books and other personals that he had brought with him. His mind had laps and for that moment he had thought of nothing. When he was done, he sat to rest and catch his breath. He decided to check his mail and saw Kevin online; he asked if he knew Cams email address.

Right then and there, he had decided not to bother with the warnings that his friends and sister gave him. He figured that life must be lead with some amount of risk. “What would life be with out risk?” he thought. “And at the end, if it comes to it, when it hurts, I will know that it was worth it. I do not wish to regret anything, so I guess its carpe diem, seize the day.”

They had become very close; so close in fact that Michael felt something different. He was falling for her but he would not admit it to himself or anyone else. One day, sometime early in the summer, they were chatting as they always did. The topics were small and flippant, and then they got quiet and serious.

“So what do you think? Come with me to the beach when I go back there? I think I'm spending New Years there.” Michael asked. “We could relax by the beach in the day, have our little beach drinks with the funky little umbrella sticking out.”
“I don’t know.”
“How can you not know? It’s the beach and its New Years, can you imagine? It’s going to be clear skies with fireworks flashing; it would be the best way to start the New Year. Not to mention I’ll be there!”
“I’m indecisive remember?” Cams answered.
“You know, Mel’s right, that sometimes you act like a little innocent wide eyed little girl. Don’t tell her I said that, I’m supposed to keep that secret.” Michael, frustrated at the vague answer, said. “When you get close to anyone or anything great, you hide and back off.”
“Well at least you know... Because it’s true and everyone knows it.
“My question is why hide from something like that? Why let the little girl in you let you hide. Why do you let the vulnerable little girl inside you take over? It totally goes against your ‘fighting, never give up’ nature.” Michael said with serious curiosity. “Who you are is based upon your choices in given situations. Apparently when it comes to serious things pertaining to you, the little girl wins.”
“Then that is my imperfection I guess.” Cams said, as she was trying to dismiss the comment.
“Like I understand that there are many sides to a person but there should be at least one mediator between all the sides making sense of everything.”
“I get what you mean, you want to know the reason why the little girl in me comes out, fear; fear of this and what I think is happening between us.”
“Oh I know its fear, that I can see a mile a way. But sometimes fear is a good thing because it serves as a great motivator. Carpe Diem as they say, no matter what seize the day. I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.” Michael said, amused that he had accidentally rhymed.

A silence of thought came. Both seemed to be waiting for the other to keep speaking or say something of worth but they were too enthralled in seeking of courage with in to say what they needed to say.

“I was thinking that is should abandon the little girl it's time she stopped winning... right? And what better time but now... carpe diem right?” Cams cutting through the silence using all the courage she had to speak. What was she going to say, Michael thought. He was anxious, afraid but very much excited.
“You ready for this?” Cams asked, taking a deep breath.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Mike, We’ve gotten close, and: I am falling so madly in love with you… Most often, I’m thinking of you. I’m thinking that without the games I play, if I’m good enough for you. I’m thinking about the fact that you have much made an impact in my life, brought out so much brightness in me, inspired me, and shown me worlds worth of beauty. I’m thinking about how it might be if I were in your presence... if I could hug you so tight that you could feel my heart racing.

Michael was quiet; he could not believe what he had just read. He closed his eyes, slapped him self and tried to reread the message. “She feels the same way.” He said to himself. Gathering what was left of his composure, he tried to think of what to say. But this was his chance to tell her, show her that he feels the same way, that he’s been feeling this for a long time.
“So, the little girl didn’t win this time. She’s gone for now… but I can always bring her back.” Cams said jokingly as she tried to bring some comic relief to this shocking moment.
“I never like the little girl, she kept getting in the way of a lot of things.”
“I feel like crying and you know I don’t cry. Not a lot of things can make me cry.”
“You have no reason to cry for I did not disagree with anything you said.” Michael trying to gain some composure and gather his own strength to speak for it was his turn. “I wish I was there right now, standing next to you, holding your hand. I would take you out to the center of the mall, you know, where the fountain would be next to the stage. I’d lead you to the center, where all our friends usually are, I’d leave you there and take a few steps back, and then I’d scream. Yell out at the top of my lungs. I Love Her! I would point at you and smile. Then when every patron is staring at me thinking I’m a crazed idiot, I would walk back towards you and just look at you.” Michael replied.
“You silly boy…” was all she could say.

That began another chapter with in their ever-growing relationship. Nothing much had changed except that both sides now knew for a fact how the other felt and that alone meant everything. Regrettably, as we all know every fairytale story has its fair share of tragedy; theirs came like one big tornado.

Cams was going backpacking through Europe this summer. It was usually a great experience because they get to climb famous steps, breathe the air, drink the wine and for a moment live the life of those who call it home. It was a welcome vacation Michael thought, for he knew how hard she had been working while in school, he also knew all the things she had gone through hence a vacation from that was needed. But something was going to happen, something that no one, not even Michael anticipated.


While she in Europe, prancing around from capital to capital and eternally recording her visit to every monument with a camera, Michael had no worries. The only thing was that he hoped she would be safe every night and that she would have the greatest time in the world. What he didn’t expect was the change in Cams feelings and attitude towards the relationship when she had returned.

He was excited to hear the stories, to see the pictures, to more or less share what she had but mostly to have her back. It started off to be normal; they exchanged pictures through emails and shared comments. It took a while but Cams said that there was something different.

“What do you mean different? I don’t understand.” Michael asked.
“I think this is wrong Mike. I mean, first of all you’re there and I’m over here. We’re so far from each other.”
“What’s your point? So what if we’re so far, it didn’t bother you then why should it bother you now?
“Well, because… it just does ok? I want to be able to have you close and be in your arms. Is that so wrong?”
“So its just physical? It can’t be considering we’ve been doing this Internet dance since January, its May. There’s something else isn’t there? Its not just this…”

She tried to explain, what had happened over in Europe. That she had met a slue of different people and learned so many other things. A part of her was happy that she had someone but another part was frustrated because she felt that she was being held back during her expeditions. She had met a variety of men, considering that Cams was an amazingly beautiful lady with a more then an electric personality. She had a divine, royal, confident way of carrying her self and on the flip side, knew when to let loose and have fun. She could talk and argue about anything and everything for she had an interest in a wide variety of topics and to top it all of, she spoke close to six different languages and knew basic words in another three. She was the perfect girl.

But by that time it was too late; he was devastated. The more she spoke the more he grew deaf. He could barely think and all he could feel, all he could hear was his heart beating slower and slower until it stopped. He loved her so much that he would give her everything even if that meant his happiness, so he agreed with her and let her go because that was what she wanted, that was what was going to make her happy.

Michael let her go. He thought of different ways to keep contact and have at least some communication but it was futile. All his emails, his messages, everything was either ignored of just discarded. Immature he thought, but it was her way of coping. Cams pushed him away, constantly pushing him farther and farther until all of Michael’s actions were pointless; they lost contact. Michael had no closure; hence his imagination was all he had. He had thought that maybe she had met someone else, someone better. If that happened it wouldn’t be so bad. But if the reason was so she would not feel the pain of not having him physically there with her or if she pushed him away because she was afraid and let the little girl in her win, Michael didn’t know how he would try to understand the insecure actions from a clearly confident and self-aware mummer. So he did what he always did when life would throw him lemons, he wrote. He wrote a song.
My feelings aren't that strong, I have to walk away…
…Why must you leave me so? When I’m over and done,
Don’t close the door, don’t say goodbye…
… It's not about you, Kept me at arms length
What else could you do? I've lost all strength
After all, it doesn't matter what you'll say…


“Dude, you alright?” Kevin asked Michael
“Yea, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you might see Cams? I mean, she’s not here yet but you’re going to be fine right?”
“Yea, no worries. It was a long time ago. Things have changed, I think. Hand me a smoke would you?
“Hey Riz! Look who’s here! Maria shouted.
“Riz?! Where?!” Michael looked, almost launching his cigarette out of his lips.

Michael rushed over to hug Riz, a close friend that he also had not seen in so long. She was like another sister to him. As he lifted Riz to hug her tighter, he saw Cams coming down the stairs.

“Mike! It’s so great to see you! You look…”

By that time, Michael had stopped listening; for at that instant all the love he thought he had forgotten, all the feelings he thought he had lost came rushing back so fast it was as if someone came up and slapped him. He felt weak, almost to the point of collapse. He had to put Riz down as he had almost dropped her on the concrete floor; he looked straight ahead seeing only Cams. It was like tunnel vision, all he could see was her; her white smile, wide brown eyes, close to seven dimples, long black hair, cute little nose and radiant skin, all traits that he tried so very hard to forget.
Riz stepped back and wondered what was happening. Looking at Michael she said, “Dude, you alright? Hello?” She waved her hand in front of his face but to no avail. All Michael could see was Cams.

He saw her speak to one of the Nicole’s; she laughed and brushed her hair aside then took a sip of her iced coffee. It was a warm day, the sun only added dramatic effect as it was an almost movie like scene. Scenes where the leading beauty walks down the stairs to have her first slow motion entrance. It was a breathtaking sight. It seemed as if Michael could not snap out of his muse. Luckily, Kevin came over tapped him over the shoulder and offered him a smoke.

“Dude, cig? I know you want one” Kevin said playfully and still bouncing around.
“Thanks, haven’t had one of these in a year. Home made cigarettes, nothing like them bro’.”
“I’m coming too! Where are we going again?” Riz cutting in to the conversation
“We should go meet up with everyone else and get some food. What do you think?” Kevin asked
“Yea, sounds like a plan. Lets do that. What are you two doing? Michael looking back at his sisters.
“We’re just going to hang here, we’ll be fine you go do your thing.” Maria said
“Thanks. If ever you need a ride, just call. I’ll be there.”

As Michael was discussing with his friends where they were going to sit-down, relax, eat and trade stories, he saw Cams walking away. He wasn’t sure whether or not to run to her and ask if she would like to stay and catch up like everyone else. He hesitated, stood back and watched her walk away.

It was a fun day; the afternoon evolved into the night and the reunited friends have not stopped talking, laughing or smiling. But as always, the night had to end sometime, thus the friends said goodbye for now because tomorrow was another day.


Ring. The sound of a cellular phone echoes in the early morning.

“Hello?”
“Kevin? Its Cams I have to talk to you. It’s important. Want to meet me for a drink?”
“Uh… yea… sure… what time is it?”
“Its two in the morning. Are you coming or what?”
“Yea, I’m there.”
“Well, hurry up because I’m here outside your house.”
“You are?!” Kevin said, leaping out of bed to look out his window. “Wow, talk about first class service…”

Kevin got dressed, wore the usual jeans, shirt and sneak’s. He makes his way out and sees Cams in her bright white sedan. It was pearl white, so bright that Kevin didn’t think it was two in the morning. He got in and they drove off. They passed a liquor store to pick up some Absolute Vodka, some sprite and a bag of ice.

They see a little kiosk in the middle of a local park. They drive over and set them selves up. They did not talk much through out the drive; causing Kevin to get very jittery and curious. They stop and get out, making their way to a small bench beneath a rickety saw roof and sat.

“Do you think I should tell him?” Cams asked and quickly poured some vodka into her mouth.
“Huh. Tell him what? Tell whom what? What are we talking about? I’m lost. I need a drink… and a smoke…”

It was the start of a new day, the second day of vacation. Michael wondered to himself what adventures could he take on and what types of mischief could he get himself tangled in. Thinking of mischievous fun, he naturally called up his brother Kevin to see what he was up to. Apparently, Kevin was already at the mall hanging around. So he got out of bed, took a shower, had his fill of home cooked food and drove off to the mall. He saw Kevin by the coffee house sitting outside sipping what looked to be iced tea. Michael wondered, “why go to a Starbucks to drink iced tea?” Which is precisely what he asked Kevin.

“Dude! What in the hell are you doing drinking iced tea?”
“Whoa!”
“Jumpy are we?”
“Damn it Mike don’t do that! I almost spilled my drink.”
Aren’t you supposed to be drinking like coffee? It’s a coffee shop right?”
“Yea”

“So remind me again why you’re drinking iced tea in a coffee shop.”
“Well I only had so much money. At first I was only supposed to buy smokes but I got thirsty so I searched through my wallet and found just enough for iced tea. Unless you want to shell out some cash and…” Kevin smirked as he tried to con some money of his brother.
“Later, we’ll get some food first man. I’m hungry again; funny how I just ate. I’ll pay.”
“Food? I’m not hungry. Maybe later.”
“So who’s here in town? Is there no one else? Michael asked.
“Nope, every one is like asleep or just at home.”
“Why don’t we go to Riz’ house, haven’t been there in a while”
“Yea, Riz is good, she’ll feed us so we wont have to spend! Wahoo!” Kevin shouted
“Switch that! Its so I wont have to spend! Parasite!” Michael said jokingly

The two friends strut through the mall. They pass fountains that shot spurts of water into the air, manikins with rooster heads, the local bookstore, some tables with small crowds and the long black top parking lot. They got in Michaels car and drove away. Michael drove a shiny silver Honda Accord. It used to belong to his father and he kept it well. It was a good car, dependable and powerful. Michael slammed on the gas and fed some speed into the engine, it was a great sound. They didn’t get far when Michael received a text message from an unknown number. It said,

“You’re coming here right? Because I have something to tell you.”

Confused, Michael gives his phone to Kevin and asks if he knew the number. Kevin said he did and brushed it off. He told Michael not to worry, it was someone at Riz’ house and you know who she is. Instantly, Michael knew who it was.

Michael had not driven in almost a year so he was a little rusty and had a heavy foot. They went from zero to sixty while still on first gear then accelerating straight to a hundred and shifting to second gear. Finally, they came screaming to a halt at the stoplight. As the light turned green, the car peels out and zooms towards Riz’ house.

Michael looked confused as he said, “I thought Riz’ house was farther, it seems as if it only took us ten minutes. Strange.” Kevin, who is now glued to his seat holding on to the dash and his seat belt, he looked a little freaked as if he had just ridden an old school roller coaster, he said, “DUDE! What the hell man! Her house is like twenty minutes away. You just drove like a freaking maniac…”
“And your point is?”
“I need to smoke.”
“Relax dude. Chill… chillax!”

They parked, got out, and immediately knocked on the door. There was no answer; they knocked again, still nothing. Kevin, who is somewhat impatient at times, knocks on the door continuously until the door was opened. There were three women at the door; it was Riz, Cams and Mel. Michael looked confused but at the same time greatly excited for there were three girls waiting for him and Kevin. He said to himself. “Why is Cams here? Duh, she’s Riz’ friend, she’s allowed to hang here too. I wonder if things are going to be weird.”

Riz’ snaps her finger at Michael going, “Hello? Earth to Mike! You did this yesterday too. All dazed and confused, I mean, I know I’m sexy, I’m hot, I’m just wearing a plain white shirt with no underwear and all but snap out of it cuz’ you’ll never touch this… Hello?”
“What’s up boys? Want to come in?” Cams said in a raspy sexy voice. It was like she had just woken up.
“Hey Cams, want to know how its hanging? Kevin responded.
“Ugh, NO! I was just fooling around. Grosse! Just get your asses in here. Lets go in Mel.” Cams said walking away.
Riz reached over and punch Michael in the stomach going “Lets go! Stop staring, I’ve got food.”

Michael and Kevin ditch their smokes and proceed in. Slowly strutting around making small talk about how things were, who else was inside and what not. As they entered, there were two seats, Kevin rushed over and jumped on the couch as Michael walked and then sat on the other seat, the love seat. They were offered some iced tea and some food; they accepted, slouched down and relaxed. Relaxation is the only thing on the Michael’s list of things to do. The comforting sound of noise was going around the room, as friends threw stories at each other. Amidst the loud infectious conversation about nothing important, Cams sits next to Michael and stays quiet. He doesn’t mind her and continues to tell his stories of living away from home. Kevin started to mock Michael going, “Yeah? Right... uhuh… and then what? Really? Sure…”
“Oh shut up! I don’t hear you telling your stories.”
“Fine! My turn to tell my stories! Ha!” Kevin stood and started to not only tell his story but to act it out as if he was back on stage speaking to the world through movement. It was an entertaining sight.

Michael looked to his right where Cams was sitting and flashed her a fake smile. As he looked at her, he saw every outline of her face, every line that made her beauty and he said, “You said you have something to tell me right? ” Cool, calm and collected Michael stood his ground.
“Yea, but not here, somewhere private, just you and me. Its kind of important” Cams said shyly.
Michael slowly put his hand on hers, moved it up to her thigh and said. “Lets go then, lets talk.” He got up and started to walk towards the door.
“Dude? Where you going? I’m just getting to the best part!” Kevin stops his reenactments.
“I’ll be back.”


Michael walks in front of Cams, holding in his emotions, his unlit smoke and forgetting his usual gentlemanly manners just so that he could be cold and numb enough to keep control. He did not look back, he just kept on walking until they had made down the descending stairs that led to the garage and to the front of the house. He stood by the door, lit up a smoke and took a long drag. The drag calmed him, helped him keep his composure and his numbness.

Cams caught up, stood next to him as they looked at the outside world. It was an awkward silence and more so an awkward situation where one would look at the other and vice versa, never catching each other’s eye. Until Michael noticed what was happening, so he timed it and just as soon as Cams looked at him, he caught her. Michael coldly said, “You said you wanted to talk, so talk. What’s up?” Cams, surprised that he had caught her, looked down some what embarrassed and said, “Yea, I’m trying to think of the right words… Like, I had this whole speech thing in my head that I was practicing before you got here. I mean, at first I wasn’t supposed to talk to you but Kevin said that I should, that you, I, we deserved to know some things. It’s just that… ”
“Take your time. No rush.” Michael said as he took another drag.
“Or we could just stand here and look at each other. You did say no rush.” She said playfully
“I can see right through you, all your insecurities are coming out. Just tell me.” Michael demanded
“If you can read me so well, what are my insecurities?”

Michael gathered his thoughts and as if insight hit him, he began to state numerous insecurities that Cams was experiencing currently that hindered her ability to speak her mind. He put his psychology lessons to work and pried open her mind and let loose her thoughts. As he did this, he did not realize that opening her mind would be as if opening Pandora’s box. “Who knows what could come flying out?” He thought.

He saw the fear that she had, the fear of rejection; so he stopped and let everything go. He said. “Look, if you don’t want to tell me, whatever, it is fine. We could just hang here together, that works too.” He looked straight into her eyes, those wide-open brown eyes that could just swallow you up. He felt as if he was falling with in them, as if he could read her like no one else. Then, he knew what she was trying to say when she said nothing at all. He understood her, even as she tried to hide behind her words, wishing that she kept those words behind her tongue.

Michael ditched his smoke and rearranged his posture. He moved his hands so that his left hand would be closer to her right hand. But he did not dare take it; he just brushed up and against it because he was still uncertain, he was still unsure. She did the same as both looked upon each other, as their hands caressed, they got closer and closer. It was like watching true love unfold in a cheesy teen movie. But as all cheesy teen movies go, something must interrupt the two lovers. From automatic lawn sprinklers going off to a parental unit accidentally opening the porch lights, all these things were designed to place a damper on the coming hug, smile or kiss. In this case, it wasn’t lawn sprinklers or porch lights; it was a neighbor and her annoying little toy dog. They were so close that they could see each other’s soul but out of the corner of their eye they saw the neighbor staring at them shaking her head. After, the dog walked up towards them and barked in the most irritating manner any dog could bark. The dog didn’t even look like a dog; it was one of those little things that looked more like rats.

They moved inward, higher upon the steps and sat down as not to be seen. Beneath the afternoon sun they sat, taking in the heat of reality, the heat of the moment. Michael sat on a higher step, looking down on Cams as she sat on the floor.

“Are you ever going to say anything or are we just going to stare at each other?” Michael asked.
“Well I can’t say it, so just ask me questions. Ask me anything and everything that you’ve always wanted to ask. Ask them now.” Cam said innocently.
“Are you sure you want me to ask. As in like you want me to ask all I need to know? Ask all I want to know?” Michael asked hesitantly.
“Yea... So ask before I change my mind.” She said
“What happened when you went to Europe, you never really told me what happened and how you’re feelings changed. I mean, you said you loved me, did you really or were you just saying that in the moment?”

This was Michaels chance to finally know what had happened to his lost love. At the time, he tried his hardest to forget the feelings he had and he didn’t know why, until now.

“When I was there, I figured that it was impossible to have a relationship with you. I mean, we’re so far from each other and I am such a physical person. There was just too much to deal with…” -
“ - And the love?”
“Yea, I did love you.” As she said that, the weight upon her shoulders flew away and you could feel the strength and energy come back. But you could also feel the tension for she did not want to be rejected as she rejected him.
Michael looked at her, smiled and just nodded. He said, “One more question, what about now, do you still love me?”
She looked up, tilted her head to her right, smiled at Michael and then nodded.
“But I don’t know what to do. I mean you’re leaving in January. You’re only going to be here for so long. What then? We’re going to be far away, and we’ll have to do this dance again.”
“Carpe Diem. January is a long time from now and I’m going to be here a while. Why don’t we just try it?” As he said this, he stood up to find a more comfortable spot. What he had just said, not only shocked Cams but also it had also shocked him for he had let out his emotions even if he didn’t want to. He knew if he did, they would run rampant. They did.

He leaned his left shoulder against the adjacent wall, tilted his head up and stood there. Cams stood, followed and leaned in the opposite direction facing Michael. He put his hand on her waist and looked at her. He just had to see her, his love for so long. Since they started talking, Michael had many chances to pull her close for a kiss but he did not.
“You’ve got bad timing you know that?” Cams said.
“I know, only because I choose the right time” Michael replied
“Even still, you have bad timing”
“Whatever. I just choose which time is right. And if you haven’t noticed, you’ve got bad timing too”
“I know…” Cams demurely said as she looked down.

He looked up onto the sky, closed his eyes and felt the sun rain upon him. Both his hands were by her waist, his right hand moved towards her face; he clasped her cheek. He tilted her head back to look into her eyes and said, “Come here…”

Love could be shown in many ways. From holding hands, kissing, hugging, smiling and more, there are many ways to show someone that you love them. He kissed her, a sensual, solid, complete open mouth kiss. His hands wrapped around her waist as hers were placed upon his shoulders. It was as if they hugged and kissed and everything else all at once. If fireworks were clearly seen during mid afternoon skies, they would light up the entirety of it. It was a hair-raising, heart-stirring, awe-inspiring, overwhelming, spine-tingling event that only lovers experience and enjoy. What a grand feeling it was to show the one you love that you do in fact love them, even after so long.


“Mike! Mike! Uh, Mike? Kevin said as he slowly crept out towards where Michael and Cams were standing. “Whops… excuse me. Mike? Carlos is calling.”
“What?!” Michael said.
“Um… Carlos is coming over its just that he’s not sure if he can make it to the house, can you pick him up?”
“So where is he? How far did he get?”
“He’s like a couple houses down but he doesn’t want to walk. If you don’t want to pick him up, I’ll do it! You can give me the keys and - ” Kevin said as he foolishly crept forward.
It was like a scene from the animal kingdom. Where scavengers come close to a lions kill. They creep forward, closer and closer. All the lion could do was roar and bite and try his best to dissuade the coming threat.

Michael moved his hands and shook them around trying to prevent Kevin from getting closer; he then shouted, “Stay there, um… I’ll give you the keys, just give me a minute.”
“Really?! You’re going to let me drive? Yeay!”
“Later!” Michael quickly added. Back off or go inside.”
Then another voice from the background came and said, “Hey, Carlos is calling again and he said that he doesn’t need a ride anymore” It was Riz.
“He doesn’t? What did he do walk?” Kevin asked looking back.
“Don’t know, he just said he’d be here.”
“Hey Riz, so Carlos doesn’t need a ride anymore, so why don’t we go back inside and let those two be happy because they look happy… hey that rhymes.” Kevin said as he took Riz by the hand and dragged her back into the house”
“But wait, what about them? I mean, we’re about to hang, get some pizza and drinks”
“Let them be, I don’t think they’re hungry. Not anymore at least. I don’t think they want to be bothered because they’re… doing… something… together… I think I rhymed again…” Kevin said.
“Stop rhyming! No wait… that didn’t really rhyme…you’re not really rhyming!”
“Lets go, away from the two… Err… them.” Kevin said as he tugged Riz away from where Michael and Cams stood.

Michael was relieved that they were alone again. He looked into Cams’ eyes, took her hand and grasped it tight. He looked at her and saw all the risks, and all the consequences of being with her. He knew, that no matter how much he loved her, no matter how much he wanted to be with her, that in the end, he would lose her.

“Will it be worth the pain? I just want to show her who I am. I want to remember who she really is. I don’t want to hurt her. But I know I will. I don’t want to hurt her, what am I going to do? But what is She thinking? Is she thinking the same? If she is, then she probably wont hurt me. But I know she will. And I know that she’s going to break me…again. I’m thinking way too much, I should shut up now. I wonder what my sister would say. I hope she’ll be ok with this” Thoughts ran through Michaels mind as he stared at her. It caused his body to shiver in fear and in excitement.

The sky was clear that day, the sun was strong and the day was great even if the debility, the sadness, the weeping of the world, the pain of loving and the anger of reality was looming over them.

“What are you thinking of?” Cams asked as she interrupted his almost epiphany.
“Me? Nothing really… I was just thinking; just living in the moment.”
“That’s good, that’s what we’re supposed to be doing.”
“What time are you going home?” Michael asked
“Well, I’m actually getting picked up soon”
“How soon is soon?”
“In the next ten minutes”
“Alright. Then lets hang here for ten minutes, sound good?”

She smiled. It was a real smile; a smile that captured all that she was feeling at that very moment. They were happy. They leaned over towards each other and began to kiss… again…

“I can’t breath…” Michael said.

It had been a while since Michael tasted the sweetness of being mindlessly happy. Being with her made him so.

When he was out in the real world, he had to grow up, fast. He lived on a day-to-day basis, he got up at six in the morning everyday, went to class, after, came home and ate, changed and walked to work and stayed there until ten at night, then came home to finish homework and study. His life was filled with new responsibilities. He was working so that he could pay for his schools tuition fee, health insurance and other bills; bills his father used to pay for. It just seemed as if he had so much to worry about so much to think about and his only mode of release was writing.

Michael wrote; he wrote a lot. He wrote of his feelings, ideas, thoughts, concepts and more. This was therapy for him, it was his way to escape and not think and come close to the feeling of being mindlessly happy. He mostly wrote poetry and believed what Robert Frost said about poetry.

"A poem begins with a lump in the throat; a home-sickness or a love-sickness. It is a reaching-out toward expression; an effort to find fulfillment. A complete poem is one where an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found the words."

Robert Frost was his favorite writer.

“Ding Dong! Hello? Is anyone there?”
“Carlos is here! Yeay!” Kevin said running out of the front door.
“Hello! I’m here! Yoo-hoo! Uh, guys, some ones ride home is here waiting.”
“Damn, I guess we’re going to have to do this another time.” Michael frustratingly said.
“Yea, another time. Goodnight, don’t forget to breathe. ” Cams winked and she walked away.
Carlos came into the house, as energetic as always he jumps in and around going “Hey guys what’s up?!”
“Thanks Carlos.” Michael sneered
“Um… You’re welcome? And it’s nice to see you too? Give me a hug?”


“Maria? Where are we going? Where is Lore?”
“No worries brother, we’re just going for a drive. We’re meeting up with everyone else to jump off a cliff”
“We’re going to jump off a cliff? Ok, sounds like fun”
“Here we are. Oh look, Lore’s just about to jump”
“Hey Mara, Mike, watch me free fall with out a parachute”
“Alright, have fun. Just as long as I’m jumping after you.” Michael said.
“No, I’m next. She’s the youngest, I’m middle and you’re the eldest so you’re last.”
“Alright, go, go, go…” Michael said, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket.
“Wow that looked like fun. Ok my turn, here, hold my phone as I jump off the cliff and into the angry sea!”

Ring goes the cellular phone next to Michaels head.

“Dude, wake up. Hello? Are you up yet? Hello? Dude! Come here, come here!” a voice said in the background as Michael was just dreaming.
“Hey! Mike… WAKE UP!”
“Huh… what the hell?” Michael said groggily.
“Come to my house!”
“Who? What? Why?”
“Dude, its Kevin!”
“Yea, figured that part out… where are you?”
“I’m on the other line, I called, you picked up your phone when I called! You ok dude?”
“Huh… I did? Yea… um… what’s up? What’s happening?”
“Come here! I can’t go out because it’s my turn to take care of my dad”
“Oh ok… let me wake up first and I’ll be there in an hour alright?”
“No, come here now!”

Kevin is one of Michael’s true friends. They were friends for close to six years now; they considered each other as brothers. For a sixteen year old, Kevin’s been through a whole lot. From being emotionally screwed by previous girl friends to inspiring other people to do what’s in their hearts, fights and arguments, getting on and then off drugs, crashing and almost burning in a car accident and drinking to the point of no tomorrow. This kids been through a lot. Recently, Kevin’s father had fallen ill. No one really knew what the illness was, but it was serious. But the amazing thing with him is that he has jumped through every burning hoop, smashed through every wall and bounced back from everything that life so far has thrown his way. Michael was there for a majority of these events because he was physically with Kevin for most of those events. They never left each other’s side; constantly making sure the other is having a great time and is also safe. They stood by each other through the difficult times of confusion and laughed at each other due to their insanity. They were their brother’s keeper.



One time, during one the usual chill outs they would have by the coffee shop; Kevin got into a misunderstanding with another person. It was about a girl, it was a stupid reason and Kevin knew this to be true so he didn’t bother with the guy. But the guy kept coming, harassing and wouldn’t leave them alone. Michael had a dark side, he would get physically aggressive to the point of no control and he would manipulate his opponent into a stupor. All of Michael’s friends knew that his dark side was something to be feared because he would become almost feral. Michael stood, took a step and was now face to face with the man. He said,
“Hey! Don’t touch him or I’ll touch you back!”
“The hell was that supposed to mean? Are you gay or something man?”
“It means what it mans bro’, back off or you go through me.” Michael said, as he knew that he was his brother’s keeper. He also knew that he could try out the new martial art he’s learned. He learned Muai Thai; a martial art originating from Thailand. Before the time of gunpowder and propelled firearms, Muai Thai was what Thailand’s army used to protect the country.

“Look, my problem is with your friend over there. I just want to hit him, just one shot. He disrespected this girl and she’s my friend” the man replied.
“Excuse me? I didn’t do anything!” Kevin got up ready to defend him self.
“Sit down Kev’, I got this. No worries” Michael said to Kev' with out taking his eye of the man before him. “First of all, they were just talking and no disrespect was shown because I was sitting right next to them. Second, you and I both know its not going to be just one shot. You’re going to hit him, then I'm going to hit you, then your friends are going to get into this and I don’t want to hurt your friends because they’re just innocent followers.”
“What? Who the hell do you think you are? Come on, let’s do this already!”
“Calm your self you Neanderthal man! If you want to hit something, hit me, HIT ME! Right here, a free gut shot, go on” As Michael stood back offering a free shot to his abdomen area. The man took his chance and hit Michael with all his strength. Silence and great tension befell the group and every other patron sided near the escalating dispute. Michael took his shot. He didn’t flinch or move and it even seemed as if he didn’t feel any pain. He didn’t, he retook his spot, standing face-to-face to the man and said,
“Was that it?”
The Neanderthal man looked horrified, he had placed all his might into that one shot convinced that Michael would’ve fallen. But he didn’t, so the man just stood there in fear. The man friends tapped him on the shoulder and tried to pull him away as they knew this was a fight that they could not win. They ran off, leaving Michael, Kevin and the rest to sit down and enjoy the rest of the evening.

“Dude, you didn’t have to step up for me you know.” Kevin said placing his hand on Michaels shoulder.
“I know, but I wanted to. No harm must come to those I love, it’s that simple.” Michael replied taking a step back and backing his way back to his seat next to Cams.
“Why can’t you be like that when we’re together?”
“Huh. What do you mean?”
“Harder, faster, stronger you know. It’s just that when you’re so concerned to the point of aggression… its such a turn on to me.”


Michael got to Kevin’s a little over an hour. Parked his car right in front of the house as he always did and walked straight in. He took a deep breath and a rush of memories flood his mind. He smiled and thought, that this was going to be another day that would yield another set of great memories to be forever kept. He sat down on one of the plastic chairs in the front porch, got comfortable and pulled out his smokes. He took one out, looked at it, straightened it out and examined it again. He did not know why he was looking at it as he did, so he smiled then laughed at himself as he placed the cigarette by his lips; he lit it.
He tilted his head back as he felt the smoke enter his mouth, down his throat, filling his lungs then out again. Pure ecstasy.

“Dude! Uh… what are you doing?”
“Hey bro’. I’m just enjoying. You know how it is. Want one?”
Kevin comes over, pulls up a chair adjacent to Michaels, and enjoys a cig’ with his brother.

They sat there, talking. They enjoyed each other’s company, tossing back and forth ideas and concepts. They argued vigorously and laughed uncontrollably as they sat there. It was getting late. They wondered where the day had gone considering they were just sitting outside on the front porch. It was as if the friends fell into a time warp and nothing else mattered except their interaction. Then silence befell them as they both took a puff from their cigarettes.

Most people would be so uncomfortable in silence. Why? What comfort to people find in noise? Silence is just as loud and as confusing as noise, its just more subtle that’s all. But these friends were different. Silence or noise they felt comfortable with each other. Their bond was strong, strong enough to pluck the strings of silence with laughter and halt the vibrations of noise with contemplation.

“What do you want to do now?” Kevin said breaking the silence “We’ve been sitting around for a while now.
“Really? I hadn’t noticed. What time is it anyway?
“Four thirty six in the afternoon”
“What?! We’ve been here since ten this morning! So that’s like, one, two, three; it’s been six hours.” Michael said with some surprise. “Eh, doesn’t matter really, its fun. Why what do you want to do?”
“Well, I want coffee. Lets go get coffee.”
“Sure. Why not.”
“Let me just check on my dad and we’ll go”

They get in the car and drive off making their way to the nearest Starbucks. They stayed for a while but unintentionally hit rush hour so they decided to stay in the coffee shop until it was over. They sat outside, sipping their iced café mochas and smoking their Winston lights; they continued their talk. They spoke of nothing, and how much potential there is in nothing. The spoke of love, life, family, speed, happiness, sadness and what it all meant to them and how people perceived it.

“All I have to say is that I’ve never seen you this way and it’s about time. I mean, girls have come and gone and never hit the spot. She hit you perfect bro’.” Kevin said as he took off his black and yellow jacket. He looked like a flag Michael thought.
“What way? Nothings different what do you mean? He said looking at Kevin. Kevin looked back, smiled, took a puff from his cig’ and just shook his head.
“Ok fine. THIS way, if you say so. Yea well, I don’t know you know. It just like that. Love you know. Its this unexplainable lump in my throat like I’m going to laugh or cry or cough or whatever. But thinking about it, it’s like the stars you know. They’re there at night, clear and visible. And when the sun rises, its still there, just covered up by the sun. But the stars are still there. That’s what I’ve been feeling since last summer… --“
“— Um English please?” Kevin muttered.
“Oh shut up! That is freakin’ English!”
“Well, its late, and my brain isn’t working right so talk simple.” Kevin was actually an intelligent person; he just got lazy from time to time.
“Fine.” Michael shook his head, leaned back into his chair and took a deep breath. He said. “I covered it up I tried to forget about them, the stars. But the stars came back and with it, a rush of emotions like never before. That analogy also works for life… --“
“—Wait. Wait, how did we get from love to life?” Kevin leaning forward said.
“Well, you asked! So here it is. Life, people walk around like zombies missing out on so much because they’ve forgotten that they have a mind. Think about it, at night we dream, we see what we want to accomplish and achieve; those are like the stars. In the morning, we wake and are instantly consumed by our daily chores; temporarily blinding us from what we want, and that is the sun out sinning the stars. The only thing is that, we have to figure out what we want first, may it about love or anything else.“
“I should never have opened my mouth” Kevin sarcastically said.

The conversations went on. They talked all the way into the next day and when the sun rose, they kept on talking. They spoke of deeper existential things such as happiness and meaning. What was happiness? Looking at the dictionary, happiness is enjoying, showing, or an event marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy. But those are just similar words with the same meaning. How could something so simply be so complex they thought?

“Happiness comes in small doses I guess. Just find out what those small doses are and take them all at once.” Kevin broke the silence. “Like, think about it, happiness is like being stoned. Remember when we used to get stoned? Remember the feeling? Happiness is like a natural version of that, in place of blue, yellow or purple pills; we have small doses of simple happiness. Sometimes we get numb because we’ve taken so much. So we just up the dosage.” Kevin took another puff.
“What the hell are you getting at?” Michael was unsure of what the point was.
“The point is that, she is like your drug and you are hers. Love is your drug and its like you two are addicted to it. So love her, love her as you do now. Show her you love her because I know you do. Be with her as long as you can because if you think about it, there isn’t a lot of time; there never is.“

By this time, the thought was already embedded in Michaels mind. Is he happy? What makes him happy? His sisters, his friends, Riz, Kevin, his love, his father, his mother, writing and living made him happy. Then why did he have to be so far from those he loved? Could not he grow and live his life intertwined with that of his family and friends? Michael questioned himself in his mind drifted of into a dream. He left Kevin rather abruptly as he had to go home and get his thinking straight.
This was paradise Michael thought. Being back home, surrounded by his friends and family; it was almost too much to bear.
“Maybe I should dream.” He said to himself, “Dream of what I really want.” He believed that dreams were a sign of what the person really wants. “What do I really want?” He wondered.


It was Sunday; Michael woke up on the wrong side of the bed. At fist, there was nothing wrong but as the day progressed, his mood seemed to change. His spirits sank as he once more entertained thoughts of confusion, of where he was going and of what he was doing with his life. He questioned why he had to live so far from the ones he loved. He just simply missed his family so much, and the fact that this was just a “vacation” lay heavy upon his heart.
He went to his grandmothers house with is father. As the car pulls up, Michael sees this little white haired, frail looking woman; his grandmother.

“Hi mom, look who’s here”
“How are you Mike? You look thinner; did you lose some weight again? I missed you so much”
“Hey grams, yea I lost some fat but I’m gaining it back though. I missed you too, I miss coming here every Sunday for lunch and just talk.” Michael said, looking around the room. “How are you?”
“I’m alright, I’m coughing a bit but I’ve prayed; God will help me.”

Michael’s grandmother was a highly religious person, believing that God was the answer to every problem man goes through. “I guess everyone has to believe in something.” Michael thought. If God is perfect and holds all human traits, how can God be perfect if God holds imperfect human traits? And because God holds human traits, doesn’t that mean he is created by man? God is just a representation of what man wants to be and accomplish. “What a deep existential thinker I am”, he said as he sat down to have lunch. There was something different though. He wasn’t hungry; it was strange how Michael had always had an insatiable appetite for home cooked food.

He looked and stared at his food; he then picked at it with his fork. In and out of reality he went, arguing with him self. In the background, his grandmother and his father were having a conversation about something. Michael was too dazed to pay attention until a question was directed to him by his grandmother.

“Are you praying?” She said. Michael looked back and bashfully shook his head.
“You have to pray you know, keep your connection with god alive. He is there, somewhere up there.”
“Ok…”
“Are you happy? I mean, are you happy with what you are doing? I hope you are happy…”

“Was I happy?” Michael thought. He is living his life the way he wants to and doing the things he wants to but there was something missing. Coupled with the freedom and independence of living life, there is some confusion. Why? Because when we are young, people tell us what to do. Our parents, teachers, older family members; all of them either make the decision for us or tell us what to do. But as we get older, we lose that luxury and learn that we have to make choices of our own. Michael knew this and he had no problems making his own road but he remembered what it was like to be a kid. That was what made him think, question and doubt his choices.

“Listen to me hijo, if your grandfather were alive today, he would be proud of you. He would smile and be greatly proud of what you are doing. But no matter how far you go, remember that you are still my hijo. You will always be our little boy who we love.”

They walked out of the house and got in the car. Michaels father looked at Michael and said. “Son, no matter where you are, your home will always be with you. The people you love will always be with you. The love, care and concern that you feel for the people you care for is inside of you. It is there in your heart. It is not in a physical space and time. It is ephemeral. This love is not limited by space and time. It is always there.”
He started the car, and they drove off.


Michael got home close to around seven; he looked around his room and felt the energy of his childhood fall upon him. Photos of childish adventures, old stuffed toys, broken down trinkets and other relics gathering dust flooded Michaels mind with envy. He envied the fact that he could not go back to being a child. He could not bear it anymore; he had to get out. He ran down the stairs grabbing the car keys on his way out. He got in and drove off.

“Riz’ where are you? You’re home? Can I come over? I need to get out, I need to talk”

Michael sped past red lights, near missing six cars on separate times and almost crashed over four people. He was not thinking straight. He had to just escape, get out and scream. What was bothering him so much?

Michael pulled out his cell and dialed. He said, “Riz’ I’m outside our house, let me in. please”
Riz comes out and just hugged him tight, because she saw the distress with in his eyes.
“What’s up? What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
“Later. I need to calm down or I’ll break something. I almost got into a few separate car accidents and almost ran over people!”
“Ok, sit down and have a cig’. Do you want anything to drink?”
“Yea… please… thanks…”

They sat on the sofa, staring at the wall in complete silence. There was a comfort in this silence, knowing that someone was right there by your side unconditionally being there for you. It was something apparently both of them needed right now.

“The truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing. There are a few things going through my head right now and I don’t know which to tackle first. I usually just take everything on at once but this time is different. I don’t know how it just is.”
“Did you talk to Kevin yet? I mean you usually talk to him first. Its always like ‘Mike and Kevin’ you know”
“Yea we talked, made some good points and questioned some existing facts. But like I said, there’s a lot in my head right now that I just want to scream. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start from the beginning and end where it ends or start at the end and end at the beginning.”


He sat there, uncertain on how to place his emotions into words.
He said, “It’s like this lump in my throat that I can’t bring up and out.” He tried to clear his throat to speak better, clearer. “I don’t know Riz’”
That’s all he could say. Silence befell the two as they reassumed their positions to stare at the wall.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. Ok, start from the start one thing at a time. Cams first ok?”
“Yea, go ahead, relax, breath and take your time”
“Ok”
Michael took a deep breath.
“I don’t want to hurt her, you know that. If anything, I want to make her happy any and every way I can. Do you think she’s happy? Like, I know this was supposed to be like a temporary thing but… but I love her. Love isn’t just a temporary thing. You know that. I love her and its like I don’t want to hurt her and I know at the end of all of this, I'm going to hurt her. I don’t want to.”
“So stay”
“I tried. I called four different airlines already. None of them have the flights that I need, rather flight times that I want. Like work? It doesn’t matter; I can always get another job. School? I can miss another week of it, its not that hard to catch up. I just want to show her that this isn’t just a summer lovin’ type of thing. This is real; at least that’s how I feel about it.”
“I’m sure she knows”
“All I’m saying is that, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle being with out her. Like, I know I’m strong but you don’t let go of something like this. You know? This is one of those times where you have to reach out, you have to take hold and can not let go.”

Michael broke down almost to tears. He took a deep breath, pulled out a brand new pack of smokes and lit two and the same time. He offered one to Riz as the both sat there and allowed the emotion, the tension to wash over them.

“You know she loves you. I mean everyone knows that you two are head over heels for each other. It’s so obvious because we all see it in your body language, the way you look at each other, the way you touch and hold each other. Some things don’t have to be said. Another thing, both of you knew the risks of being together and now that it’s coming to a close, that’s how it is. Don’t worry you still have a week to be with her. “
“It’s a week and a half actually. And I might not be able to see her as much as I want because she’s real busy now with her separate projects and what not. Could it be any harder to face what’s true, to say goodbye? Is there someway I could blind my laughter even if its just a quick fix? Even if I had just one more day, just one more day, I would jump at that chance to be with her. We’ll go have a picnic under the clear sky, dance in the field and fall down. Then we’ll talk, and I would listen close to every sound, every word she would say because it would be her last…”
“Well whatever, the point is that you have time. Don’t say that you wont see her, you’ll never know, she might just surprise you.”
“Surprise me? What do you mean? What do you know that I don’t? What do you mean she might surprise me?
“I know nothing dude. I’m just saying that she could surprise you; she’s like that you know. What else is wrong?”
“The Cams’ thing is one. I’m willing to give up everything so that I can be with her. The other thing is more about me. It’s about me being so far away from those that I love. Why do I have to do that? I mean I should be here being a brother taking care of my sisters. I should be my father’s son, I want the comfort of knowing that I can just run to his room and just be there.”

Again, the overwhelming feeling of confusion due to doubt has hit Michael. He stops to regain his composure from over exposure. He ditches his cig and pulls out another.

“Dude, you know what. Nothing changes, you’re still their brother your still theirs you know? I mean, being away from them doesn’t mean that you’re away from them. Love is much more then just physical connection. A real relationship is much more then that. You know that because you were the one who told me that.”

They kept on talking; contemplating on the deeper things as the clock in the background chimed every hour on the hour. That pulled them away from a dramatic and pensive mood and into a shallower, more mindless state of mind and conversation. The new pack of cigarettes was not new anymore. They sat outside staring at the moon, the stars and the clear sky.

Michael gets up, decides he needs to go home and get some rest. Making his way towards the black iron doors, Riz’ yells out,
“Hey, we’re still going to party tomorrow right? Your place?”
“Yea… we’re going to party.” Michael said as he looked up.
“Thanks”


January 7, 2005
He couldn’t sleep.

It’s the morning before the party; Michael didn’t sleep. He stayed up until his father woke. Knocked on the door, “Pop, can I come in?”

Silence.

Michael slowly opened the door to his parent’s bedroom. There was no one there. He remembered that it was seven thirty in the morning, his father had gone out for his morning jog. Michael walked back to his room and lay in his bed; waiting for his father to return. One, two, five, ten minutes passed; he couldn’t stay put. He got back up and walked down to his sister’s room.
“If anyone can help me get things clear aside from pop, it’s them.” He thought.

He knocked on the door. There was no answer. He turned the knob and slowly crept in, “What a beautiful sight.” He said to him self.
They were sleeping and they looked happy. He wondered what they were dreaming about, where they go when they dream, whom they were with and what they were doing.
He took a step forward, closer to Lore’s bed and tucked her in. He took a few steps back and just leaned on the wall. He admired the simple baby blue painted ceiling and the pinkish looking walls. He saw the combination of toys reminding him of younger days. He appreciated the collection of memorabilia scattered across the room. He smiled.
“Hey, what are you doing? What time is it? Why are you smiling?”
“Morning Laura. It’s early, its like eight. What’s up?”
“Ugh… sleep… why are you awake?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” Michael said.
“Oh ok. Well, come lay down next to me and Maria, you’ll fall asleep.“ Lore said waving her hand at her brother.


Michael walks over and crashes on the bed between his sisters. He was comfortable. He stared at the ceiling not remembering what he came to talk about.
“What’s wrong? You don’t look alright.”
“Shush. Maria is still asleep.”
“Well, I’m awake now. You guys are loud. What time is it?”
“Its like eight something. Can I ask you guys a question? Or are you two still asleep?”
“I’m asleep but I’m awake. I think I’m awake already. I don’t now about Lore.”
“What? You’re weird! I woke up before you!”

Michael laughed. He did not know what else to do for this was not only funny, it was happy. This was a happy moment of confusing conversations with is sisters. He tried to remember what he came to talk about.

“I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to miss another one of your stage plays, shows or another of your dance recitals. I don’t want to miss another prom, sweet sixteen, or celebration. I don’t want to miss graduation, first day to college for Maria and first day as a senior for you, Lore. I don’t want to miss any of these things anymore. I’m tired of being so far away from you two. I mean, both of you mean the world to me and I would do anything just to be there with you and for you. What am I supposed to do? I already miss you two and I’m still here! I don’t want to grow apart from you two.”

Tears start gathering and soon one by one they slip down Michael’s cheeks and on to the pillow. Silence befalls them as the two sisters look at each other and begin to snuggle in with their older brother.

“You mean the world to us also you know. I mean if we could have it our way, we would keep you here with us. Don’t get me wrong, I want my older brother back here with me but you have to do what you are doing.” Maria said, wiping away her tears.

“We love you, there’s no doubt there. You know we wouldn’t have it any other way, we want you to be here, watch our plays and watch us dance. We also want to be able to see you live your life but we cant. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re still our brother. We just have to do some things we don’t want to. Like me, high school doesn’t fit me; I know that. But I have to get through it to be able to do what I want to do.” Lore said.

“I just feel as if I’m not living up to be the brother you guys deserve you know? Like brothers are supposed to pick their sisters up from school on a regular basis, brothers are supposed to take care of their sisters when they’re sick. Brothers are to, at all costs, defend their sisters and keep them safe. And… and I don’t feel as if I'm fulfilling any of those things.” Michael responded.
“On the other hand, most brothers hate their sisters. Most brothers wouldn’t do anything for their sisters let alone sacrifice for them. You are a good person, and you are a good brother. Don’t ever doubt that.” Maria said.

Michael sat up. Look at his sisters and said that he loved them. He was still confused on what he wanted to do. But he knew that no matter what he did, where he went or whom he was with, he was still their brother and that they have unconditional love for one another.

The mood in the room changed. The siblings were laughing about stupid things while having strangely odd conversations. The tension was gone and was replaced by a sudden comfort.

“What times the party?” Maria asked.
“In a few hours, lets go buy supplies.”
“Now? But… but I want to go back to sleep!” Lore said
“Ha! To late for that come on ladies, we don’t have all day.”


It was the night of the party, the seventh of January. Things were falling into place. The theme of the night would be “An Acoustic Night of Musical Genius”; held in the outside patio. Specific lights were to be removed and only two remain. The lights would be tinged, complimenting the yellow, Euro-Spanish walls and décor. Two lights would be above a couch that seats three, creating the illusion of a stage. Adjacent to that couch were two sings chairs for other performers, in case they wouldn’t fit. Before the couch would be a solitary long coffee table that was brownish in tone. This was the place for all the miscellaneous objects; beer bottle, wine glasses, ashtrays, cigarette packs, chips, dips, chains, whips, and other things. This makeshift stage faced an empty floor; upon this floor would be mats. A nice pair of alternating colored mats added a striking opposition to the over all décor, making a perfect contrast but solid fusion of differences.

There would be a great assortment of alcoholic beverages thus insuring that people would be satisfied. From the six bottles of red wine, ranging from Gato Negro, Blanco, White Zinfandel and other forms of merlot and cabernet sauvignon, classic rum coke mix, vodka sprite mix to the ever-reliable beer, four cases of beer to be exact. There would be a lot to drink.

Only a few of Michaels close friends were invited. It was just Kevin, Riz’, Cams, Maria, Maria’s boyfriend, Lore, Carlos, and a few others amounting to fifteen people.

It was still early in the day when Kevin and Riz’ came over. They had volunteered to help out and set up the place.
“Dude where do you want the couch?”
“Just over there under the two lights”
“Mike, what about the ashtrays?”
“On top of the table next to Kevin.”
“Looks like we’re done.”
“Wait, we’re missing a few more ashtrays.”
“I got it”
“Are we done now?”
“Let us take a look.”

Michael walked back towards the sliding doors facing the set up. He asked Kevin to take a sit and light a cigarette and told Riz to stand anywhere she wanted. He looked at their work and said,
“Yea, we’re done. Lets sit down and have the first beer of the party”
“Sounds good to me.”
“But its only four pm, its not cocktail hour yet” Riz interrupted the celebration.
“Its cocktail hour somewhere in the world and that’s good enough for me. Pass me a beer Mike.”

The three friends sat together, looking around at their handy work. They stayed there, imagining the events and what could happen during the party that night. Maybe people would get drunk and start screaming, or on the other hand, people could get drunk and start making out with everyone. There were many possibilities of the night.
“Hello Hello! The party cannot start with out me. That’s why I’m early!”
“Carlos! Brotha’ what’s goin on? Dude, pick up a beer and pull up a chair.”
“Thanks Mike, but its only like four. It isn’t cocktail hour yet is it?”
“Well, we’re not having cocktails, and its probably happy hour somewhere in the world anyway…”
“Enough said! That’s good enough for me! Pass me that beer!”

Laughter and song soon echo through the patio as four friends discuss alternate humorous lyrics to otherwise serious songs. Hour after hour, the hands soon speed past the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and slightly passed the eighth hour.

“Hey, I think I heard the door bell” Riz said, interrupting the laughter.
“Hey bro’ Cams here.” Maria yells from inside the house.
“Who’s here?” Carlos asked.
“She’s early, the party starts at nine and its only like eight something.”
“Its eight thirty Mike.”
“Uh… Thanks”
“Dude, you ok? You look a little shocked?” Kevin replied.
“Who’s here damn it, let me in the loop!” Carlos said.
“Mike? Hello?” Riz’ waved her hand in front of his eyes.

Cams walks in wearing a light mint green mesh top, an almost khaki looking bottom and black two-inch heels. Her hair was down and free flowing, she wasn’t wearing any make-up; she looked comfortably gorgeous.

“She is so amazingly beautiful” Michael said to him self.

“Oh she’s here… that explains the slow motion entrance. Hey Mike, isn’t it strange how life sometimes seems to be like a movie?” Carlos said.
“Hey Mike. What’s up?” Cams said walking towards him.
“Um… Hey… uh…” He was speechless. How could some one so talkative and social be so dumbfounded and speechless?
“Want a drink? Did you eat yet?”
“Uh, Hello? Mike, I just asked you a question.” Carlos said looking confused.
“Yea I ate, drink? No thanks. Well, not right now at least.”
“Ok. Kevin, Riz’ can you entertain her while I go to the bathroom?”
“Do you have to ask man? Just go, we’re not going anywhere.” Kevin said
“Hey! What about me dude? I just asked you something!” Carlos said as he began to become frustrated.
“Yea, its cool, come on Cam, sit next to me.” Riz gestured.
“Is anyone paying any attention to the 5’11 tall skinny dude wearing a white Abercrombie shirt, Levi’s jeans and a trucker hat?!” Carlos stood up waved his hands around and addressed the group.
“Sorry dude, I’ll explain to you later.” Michael said as he made his way back into the house.
“Huh? Now I’m just confused.” Carlos sits back down, takes a last sip of his beer and murmurs, “I’m switching to hard liquor early, sounds like it’s going to be a rocky night.”

Michael ran up the stairs; he had a surprise for Cams. It took him a while to set things up. From placing his laptop at the right angle, making sure the bottle was cold, lighting the candles and checking if the gift was wrapped; he had a whole scene prepared.

“Cams, where are you?” Michael yelled form inside the house.
“She’s in your sisters room, I’ll get her” Riz’ yelled back then stood up and went into the room.
Then Kevin got up and ran into the house to where Michael was.
“Dude, did you do it? Did you make everything ready?” Kevin asked, as he was greatly excited for he was the only one that knew of the surprise.
“Relax dude, relax, you’ll give it away. Lets go back out, sit down and have a smoke cuz’ I need one.” Michael said as he and Kevin made their way back to the patio and sat on the couch. “My heart is like beating so fast I think I’m going to faint.” He grabbed his chest.
“Thanks for leaving me alone guys.” Carlos said.
“You’re welcome.”
“Mike, I think you’re the one that needs to relax, I’m just excited because I know she’s going to love it. I mean, you know her, she may hide her feelings a lot but when something hits her, it hits her.”
“Love what? Feelings for whom? What’s going on?!” Carlos asked.
Riz’, Maria, Lore and Cam walk out into the patio.
“Hey boys, we’re back”
“Everyone sit down! I have something to say! Get a drink too!” Kevin shouted as he jumped up off the couch. “Everyone have a drink yet?
“I’ve been drinking because no one wants to let me in on the secret” Carlos muttered.
“Let him say his thing then I’ll tell you ok?” Michael said.
“Tell him what? Michael, what’s going on?” Everyone asked.
“Nothing. Kev’ say what you have to say.” Michael replied.
“Great! Ok. Lets toast to another night of drunken fun and mindless laughter.”

Silence.

Everyone looked at each other with somewhat confused expressions. “Uh…ok…” they said.
Could you come with me? I’ve got something to show you.” Cams coyly looked up and followed Michael into the house and up the stairs. He took her by her hand and led her into the darkness.

“I hope she likes it.” Lore said, watching the two go up the stairs.
“What!? Wait, you know too?! I thought I was the only one who knew about the surprise!?” Kevin shockingly said.
“There’s a surprise?” Carlos said. “Well, I guess we all know about it now.”


“Where are we going?” Cams asked. “ And don’t just smile at me.”
“Stand right there, close your eyes. Take my hand.”

Michael led her into his room. The lights were close except for two solitary white candles perched upon his laptop. It was silent. He walked in, grabbing the cold bottle of Swedish Absolute Vodka and a gift he had for her. He pressed play on his laptop and a movie began to run. He told Cams to stand beneath the entrance. Then he walked behind her and said, “You can open your eyes now.”

Before her, a movie played. It was one of her favorites; Romeo & Juliet directed by Baz Luhrmann. Above her hung mistletoe. She took a few steps in and could not stop giggling. She smiled; she looked around, smiled again and then giggled more. She could not believe her eyes that he had still remembered what her favorite movie was.

“Turn around.”
She turned and saw him holding two things. In his right, her favorite vodka, in his left, a gift wrapped in white crepe paper with a little pink bow.

“Surprise. Open this.”
“What is it?”
“Well, I know you don’t sleep much because you’re so busy. But, when you do sleep, I do hope this keeps you safe.”

She opened it; it was a dream catcher. A small little brown dream catcher, it had feathers dangling from the bottom and it was laced with little rune stones. It was something simple, but something powerful. She smiled, looked at him and said, “Thank You…”
“Do you want to watch the movie, have a glass of vodka or go back down?” Michael asked.
“I don’t know”
“Don’t you think I at least deserve a hug? Then again, we are standing under mistletoe so…” They hugged, then smiled and looked at each other; they kissed.

Music began to resonate around the house. More people had arrived and a few more were expected.

“Ben! What’s going on dude, haven’t seen you in a bit.”
“What’s up Carlos? It’s good to see you too. Where’s Maria?”
“She’s over with Riz’ chatting about something. So how are you and Michael’s sister huh? Things doing good?”
“Yes so far. Speaking of Michael, Where is he? I haven’t seen him yet.”
“That’s a good point. It’s like, closet to ten already. Hey Kev’, know where Michael is?”
“Nah dude, I don’t think he came back from his surprise thing yet.”
“What? Mikes not back yet? Wonder what kinky shit they’re up to” Riz’ curiously questions.
“Hey hey hey, that’s my brother up there. Keep your head out of the gutter because I don’t want to imagine him doing… those... things… you know?”
“No worries sexy, I don’t think he’s in any trouble.”
“Hey Ben, I didn’t see you there.”
“So everyone keep doing their thing and don’t mind the fact that Mike and Cams are not back yet!” Kevin gets up and waves his hands around as I he was a police officer at a scene of an accident saying, “Move along, nothing to see here.”

The sounds of music, laughter and happiness make their way and break the silent din that surrounded the two, in darkness, upstairs.

“So lets o back down because things are just getting started.” Michael said as he held her close with in his arms and leaned his forehead to hers.
“There’s more?”
“Well it is a party you know. Lots of other things can happen.”
“That’s true. But we never got to have that drink that we were supposed to have up here.”
“There’s more alcohol downstairs, no worries. We can have our drink there. We can do other things down there too.”
“Just what are you suggesting Mike?”

He did it. He made her happy. They didn’t do any of the rationalizing or over analyzing that they both tend to do in any given situation. They just held each other, allowing their souls to fuse into one. As waves crash on the shore, pulling back and flowing over, that was what they were experiencing at that moment. Love was so strong that even the people down stairs seemed to have silenced as they felt the overwhelming feeling fall upon them.
All that could be heard in that moment was a song.

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain…
…I want to make you feel beautiful…
…Its not always rainbows and butterflies…
Its compromise that moves us along
But my heart is full and my door is always open
You come anytime you want…

They both walked down the stairs with hands interlocked; slowly made their way back out to the patio. At that instant, everyone looked at them; everyone smiled. But there was something wrong. Amongst the sea of familiarity, happiness and curiosity, there was defiance. It’s a broken smile.


It was a night to remember. Friends’ sitting around together in front of a makeshift stage with actual acoustic performances made for an overwhelming sight.

“Hey guys, you having fun?”
“Always Mike, I mean, it’s a “Michael party” you know? You’re the party liaison; its automatic that we’ll have fun” Riz and Kevin said simultaneously. “ Dude, where’s Cams?”
“I think she went to the bathroom, so that means I’m hanging with you guys right now.”
“What? The only reason you’re going to hang with us is because she’s not here? So bad! I’m kidding. It’s all good bro’ you know that. Oh and dude, Thanks.” Kevin said.
“Ugh... what for?
“Just… thanks”
“Um… I guess I say you’re welcome? No worries dude, you know that.”
“Oh god guys, could you make any more drama? Now shut up I’m trying to listen to the song.” Riz interrupted.
“Oh right. Our apologies madam. We shall now silence our selves and sit with you so that we may appreciate the musical eloquence the Carlos brings today.”
“You’re weird Mike.”

More songs were sung and some dancing was also done. Red wine was showered upon the guests and beers were handed out as a toast was to be made. There was a clinking sound by the entrance of the patio; it was trying to get everyone’s attention.

“Everyone! I would just like to say thank you to all who came. Thank you for those who helped set up and all that, Riz, Kevin & my sisters. Tonight was a night of musical creation because we are all artists. I’m making too much drama but I must ask, to be or not to be, that was the question posed. And the answer is simply this; that we choose to be who we want to be and who we really are. Singers, dancers, writers, vocal percussionists and the like, we are artist. Thank you everyone… PARTY ON!”

Large speakers, subwoofers and base enhancers were brought out from a back room and were hooked up to an even larger music system. Boom! Thump! Blast! A surge of music flowed through out each and everyone linking their bodies in musical ecstasy. It was an amazing feeling as everyone shared more then just their alcohol and cigarettes, stories and laughs; they shared each other’s soul. What could ever go wrong as everyone was in harmony with each other?

The patio filled with fluttering dances and energetic waves. People got up and danced. Michael took a few steps back and made his way towards the sliding doors that lead into the house. He looked at all the people, his friends and family as they were all in ecstasy. But behind him, the doors slowly slide open and a hand peered though the small gap and brushed Michaels shoulder.

“Hey… I was just talking to my parents and they said that they’re on their way to pick me up.”
“Wait what?! I thought you made time for this? I thought you were going to stay and even sleep over like what everyone else was going to do?”
“Well, my dad wants to pick me up now.”
Michael angrily said “NO.”
“What do you mean no? I have to go”
“No you don’t have to go. You promised, and I’m going to make you keep that promise.” “Give me your phone, let me talk to your dad”
“What? Shit No! Do you know what he’d do me, then what he’d do to you?”
“Look! If you haven’t noticed or paid any attention, this’ll probably be the last time you’ll see me or be with me!” Michael raised his voice to the point that it stopped the party.
“How did you know?”
“What? Know what?” Michael look confused.
“That this would be the last time that we’d see or be with each other?” Cam said surprised.
“I didn’t. I was just trying to make a point, trying to make you stay. Wait… What? What do you mean this will be the last time I’ll see you…”
“You’re leaving in a week and I’m swamped with work that same week. And then there…”

The blasting music slowly toned down and then silenced. People stood around, some sat, everyone in shock and horror of what they were seeing.

Sliding doors served as the entrance to the patio, it’s lined with pictures of conquistadors and bullfighters. The walls surrounding the doors hold shelves with little babushka dolls standing from tallest to shortest with in them. The whole scene carried with it such a Euro-Spanish feel, that it reminded everyone of a modern day Spanish telanovela. It seemed as if the people we placed with in a theater and forced to watch the drama unfold. Every guest began to find seat, light their smokes and pick up their drinks; it was as if the movie had just begun. No one knew what to make of it; no one knew what to do. Were they to get up and leave the drama alone or were they just to pay attention? This was too much like a movie that to stand up would just insult the people around you, so they stayed. All the guests sat and stayed silent, watching the emotion flow free.


“Look, I’m leaving in a week, doesn’t that mean that we’re supposed to spend more time together?”
“Yea, but what am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do?”
“I freaking want you to stay longer at least tonight. I mean, the party first of all isn’t over, there are still drinks, food and people!” Michael pointed to the frozen crowd. “The biggest thing is that I want you here with me.”
“Why?! Why me? What is it with me? Cams shouted at Michael catching him off guard.
“Why? Because it is you! To me, you’re perfect. Look, as I saw you walking down those steps the first day I was here; I saw your eyes. And that was all I saw. It seemed as if they were smiling at me through almost tears. Suddenly I knew that all that I was searching for was in you. You’ve always had my heart.” Michael took her by her arm and pulled her to the nearest mirror.

It was a long mirror on the wall, slightly elevated to only reveal from the shoulders up. He pointed.

“Look! Do you see your self? That is why. You’re the perfect girl to me. You’re like a bond girl, beautiful, daring, sexy, killer smile, greatly intelligent, resourceful and everything.”
“There are two angles to every story. To you, it may seem that way.”
“And in the end. Both stories still mesh to create the bigger story.”
“Do you know that you’re breaking my heart because you’re leaving? Damn it Mike! You’re leaving! I hate you for that.”
“Do you know that you’ve shattered mine because you don’t even want to try?”

Gasps all around as the silence was finally broken. Kevin looked at Riz, Maria looked at Lore, Carlos stood up and stared at the wall and everyone looked around as if to make sure they heard what they heard and that they were not dreaming.

“So I was talking to my friend the other day and” –
“Don’t change the fucking subject!” Michael interrupted.
“Shut up and listen damn it! I asked if he was still with his girlfriend. He said he was and that he didn’t know what he was going to do because he’s leaving too. He also said that long distance relationships are too much of a pain. I agreed with him. Babe, I gotta be honest. It is freaking hard… I’d miss you too much and I will admit that I don’t want to let you go. You do know that right?” Cams looked into his eyes as tears almost flowed.

Michael could look into her eyes for it would bring him to tears. He took a few steps back and made his way towards the now very open sliding doors. He sat on the floor facing the still frozen crowd. Cams soon followed and sat next to him.
“My dad told me something recently. He said that the love and care and concern that you feel for the people close to you are inside of you. It is there in your heart. It is not in a physical space and time. It is non-ephemeral. This love is not limited by space and time. It is always there.” Michael reached into his pocket, pulled out a pack of cigarettes, took one out and tossed the pack away from him. He looked for his lighter; he didn’t have it. Carlos quickly got up knelt down before his friend and lit his cigarette for him. Then, shuffled back towards the crowd.

“I hate you. You know that?” Cams said as she leaned over and slapped him.
“I hate you too.” Michael said as he smiled at her.
“You made me love you, I didn’t want to do it. You made me love you and this whole time, you knew you were doing it.”
Michael still smiling said “ And I was never supposed to fall for you too if you remember. I was supposed to keep my distance but I couldn’t, you made me love you and the whole time you knew it.”
“I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean for this to come out the way it did. I’m sorry.”
“No need for sorry, if anything, I should apologize. It was my selfishness that brought this out.”
“I’m just going to forget this conversation ever happened”
“That works.”

A phone rings. Its Cams phone; it’s her father calling. She looked Michael dead in the eye and kissed him on his check, held his hand, got up, then turned and walked away. As Michael watched her walk towards the door, he shouted out.

“What if I said that I wasn’t going to go, that I was going to forget everything, everyone to start over with you? Would you take my hand and never let me go?”

She turned, winked at him and flipped her hair. She said. “Silly boy. Don’t worry, tomorrow will be a better day and if not, there’s the day after that.”

Michael turns, brushing off the drama from his shoulders and makes his way back towards the party and realizes that all his guests were watching the conversation. “Such a flippant girl”, he thought to him self.

He shouted. “Where’s the music? This is still a party right?! Blast some Fall Out Boy, Senses Fail, No Idea, Bamboo and all that. Lets get drunk.”

The party resumed; the drinking, the laughing, the smoking and the dancing followed.


January 8, 2005

What a night. The looming drama seemed to dissipate as the sun rose. The cool calm air brought with it the aroma of tranquility and food. Kevin and Riz slept over as they had originally planned. Sleeping side by side, arms interlocked and in spooning positions, you’d never know that those two were best friends. This was what Michael was thinking as he got up and saw the two holding each other. He took a few slow steps towards the restroom; he needed to wash his face. As he opened the door, he found something fairly strange. Carlos passed out on the restroom floor, using the rug as a blanket and one of Michael’s shoes as a pillow.

“Dude, what the hell man.”
“Morning. I didn’t make it to the bed”
“I can see that, you alright?” Michael said as he knelt down and helped Carlos up.
“Well, by the time the party was about to end, I saw that there were like, a load of drinks still untouched. I couldn’t let that go to waste! I finished two and a half bottles of red wine, half jug of rum and coke and twelve San Miguel strong ice beer. I mean someone had to drink it.” Carlos said as he got up, leaned over and washed his face. He turned and wiggled as his face and hair was drenched in water. Mike sat down on the bathroom floor watching him.

“So what’s up man? What happened last night? I was busy looking for more food when the whole ‘scene’ blew up and all. So what’s the story morning glory?”
“Nothing brother. You know how it is, you fall faster, and you shatter quicker. But I’ve been in love with her for a while and like this seems to be the only chance I get to be with her and I wanted it all to count you know.”
“I hear that” Carlos said, as he digs into his pocket, pulls out a pack of smokes and lights one up. He offers one to Michael and asks “Breakfast?”

“Thanks” Michael replies, taking it in hand and placing it by his lips. As he was about to light it, he was interrupted by Carlos. “Want to hear my opinion? Like, you know me, I call it how it is and I don’t want to offend or anything like that. But I got to tell you something.”
“Shoot” Michael said, as he resumed to pick up his lighter and light his cig.
”People like you and me, we different. We look at life and love and all that bull in a different perception. I guess that’s our gift because we get to see more then one side to everything. Then again, that’s also our curse you know? It makes it difficult for us to find happiness and be happy because we always see more then it is. Like, look over there and tell me what you see?” Carlos points over to Kevin and Riz, the so-called best friends, spooning.
“I see, friends laying together. A guy and a girl, Kevin and Riz.”
“Now tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Honestly? Why they call themselves best friends when they act like they not. Why they spoon and cuddle and grab each other in a manner inappropriate for ‘best friends’.”
“Exactly. Now you see my point, for some reason we see more then what most people see. We’re observant and all that. And you know what, you’re right about one thing.”
“Oh yea? Just one thing; what’s that?”
“Time; that each moment is precious, each second, minute and all should be spent properly. And there is nothing wrong with you wanting to spend all the time you have with her. It’s because you love her. Yea, I do see how much you love her. “

At this point, both Mike and Carlos are sitting and facing the two spooning friends making some noise. They kept on talking, laughing and smoking. They were having so much fun that the so-called best friends woke up.

“Morning sun shine!” Carlos yells as he jumped up.
“Ugh… sunshine? What a way to wake up… to have you standing over me.” Riz said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
“Yea well it’s a good thing that you’re awake, its time for lunch.” Michael said.
“Lunch? Did I hear lunch? Food?” Kevin said over the walls of his dreams.
“Is that all you think of? Food?” Riz said.
“What do you mean lunch? It’s like three in the after noon.” Carlos questioned.
“Well, whatever. There’s food downstairs and that’s where I’m going. Who’s coming with me?”

So they went off to eat and nurse their throbbing heads as their respective hangovers took hold. Lunch was simple, a glass of iced tea, some rice, bacon and eggs, and a few bottles of aspirin and antacid. After, they all walked out to the patio. The air seemed stale; as the stench of burned out cigarette buds, empty bottles of beer and left out food filled their noses. The once white floors were filled with dark and dingy footsteps, the solid egg yellow walls seemed to have a greasy film over them, the opaque glass coffee tables were smeared with alcohol stains and crumbs, the flower designed couch cushions were over turned and the varnished sliding doors had finger prints all over them.

It took a while, but Michael and his friends were able to put the simple grace, beauty and order back into the patio. “Lets get out of here. Lets go to the mall and hang or something.” Michael said as he looked around. He was proud of what he and his friends were able to accomplish in an hour.

It was four thirty in the afternoon when they drove off to the mall. Halfway there, Riz had suggested that we just hang at her house so they wouldn’t be too stressed. Everyone agreed, and diverted to Riz’ house to chill the night away.


January 9, 2005

It’s close to d-day. Two more days and Michael would have to get on that plane and leave his paradise. That’s what he was dreaming about. The colors were watery, everything was in a haze as if driving at high speeds, every one walked so fast that they didn’t have faces, there were no smiles and no details. In his dream, all he could see was the blur of life that he had to go back to. He got out of the car, slowly picked up his bag and took the long march towards the airline kiosk. He got closer; and the closer he got, he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t pull him self to leave this place. His heart was here, his love was here; he didn’t want to leave. So he ran, he ran as fast as he could and as far as he could. But he didn’t get far. The clear doors of the airport would not open for him; it was as if it had come alive and was glad that it had swallowed up another sorry victim.

Ring…

“Hello?”
“Mike, Its Riz. What are you doing? Can you do me a favor?”
”Um… I’m half asleep, but yea. What can I do for you?”
“Kevin’s supposed to come here but he’s stuck in the mall. And… I was wondering – “
“ - If I could pick him up and bring him there. Is that what you were going to say? Wow, I’m just every ones taxi driver huh”
“No, you’ve invited too duh. I was just going to ask if you could pick up Kev’ on the way. Please?”
“Alright, what time do you want me there?”
“Well, I’ve got a few things to do first, so you could probably hang with Kev’ there have coffee or something then I’ll call you and tell you when. Cool?
“Yea sure, that works. Bye, Riz, I'm going back to sleep now.”
“Don’t go back to sleep! Just get up, shower and meet up with Kev’”
“Do I have to shower? It’s just you and Kevin. Its not like you guys care what I smell like”
“Just get up and shower, clean your self up alright?
“Fine…”

So he got up. He slowly made his way towards the sink and turned it on. He used his left arm, leaned on the mint colored sink with his head down and right hand submerged in water. He splashed some water around and drenched his face. He looked up and stared at him self through the mirror. “Two more days… Just two more days” He said to himself. The sunlight broke though a small gap in the window curtains and reflected upon the marble tiles in the bathroom, instantly illuminating where Michael stood. He smiled, shook his head, and got into the shower. After, He quickly got dress and picked up his phone on the way to the car.

“Kev’ man where are you?”
“I’m at Starbucks just having some coffee. What time are you coming here?”
“I’m on my way. I’ll be there in fifteen. What are we doing by the way?”
“I don’t know. Riz’ just called me and invited me to chill at her place and then that’s it. So I'm just as lost as you are dude.”
“We always seem to be lost. Its like we’re kind of absent you know what I mean?
“Hey… we’re the Absent Duo… that kinda sounds cool…”

It was about ten in the morning. A warm wind blew and cooled the humid air. Friends and families were out and frolicking around as families do. It seemed to be the perfect happy day. It was a perfect Saturday morning.

Michael made his way from the dark asphalt lot to the bright and welcoming Corte De Las Palmas, which loosely meant, the court of palm trees, where Kevin waited for him. And there he was, Kevin, looking at his phone as if waiting for a message or a call, with a cig in his mouth. Michael came up from behind him and tapped his shoulder heavily.


“Holy Fu- …! Don’t do that! I’m like chilling here with my iced coffee and cig’ in mouth; I could’ve dropped my cig!”
“Good morning to you too. And what’s your point about the cig?”
“Well, it’s a cig, its precious and it would be a waste to drop it with out finishing it.”
“Oh shut up! So what are we doing again?
“I don’t know, like I said. I’m as lost as you are. Lets just hang here and wait for Riz to call.”

They talked as they always did. Making exaggerated comments on everything they observed. Traded more stories, songs and idea. The two never seemed to run out of stories to tell. Granted that they’re brotherly love makes them inseparable, they never got tired of exchanging stories.

“Whoa! I’m vibrating!’ Kevin said naughtily.
“Uh… do I want to know why you’re vibrating? No. So just vibrate over there away from me.”
“Ass, its Riz. She’s a callin…”
“Get your Asses over here now! But take your time” Michael heard Riz’ yelling over the phone. “Love yah!”
“So I guess that means we’re going Kev’?”
“Yep. Letsa go!”

They got up and took with them their coffees. Michael lit up a cig’ making his way from the coffee shop to the other side of the road. Kevin quickly followed. On their way to the parking lot, they ran into an old friend. It was Michael’s ex-girlfriend. Michael didn’t notice at first, he had his head down because he was and civil person that he was, Kevin smiled and shouted out her name.

“Kaye! How are you? Its so nice to see you again.”
“Hey, Kev’ what’s new?

At that instant Michael looked up, slack-jawed and all, his cig’ fell from his lips. He was in shock, as he did not know how to react to her. She was the girl that burned him for the very first time. She was the one that broke up with him on the night of his birthday four years ago. That wound, that burn has still not healed until now. He didn’t know what to say or do so he just looked at her in silence.

The clouds covered the sun and the ambiance that surrounded the morning of the perfect Saturday dissipated. It began to rain. It caught everyone off guard as no one expected the rain. It was more like a drizzle then rain, but it was constant and unyielding.

“Hello Michael. How are you?”
“Um… Hey Kaye. I’m all right I guess. We’re actually in a hurry to get somewhere.”
“Huh, no we’re not – “ Michael elbows Kevin in the shoulder to stop him from talking.
“Hey what the heck was that for?”
“Shut up dude, we’re in a hurry remember?!” Michael looked at Kevin making all the gestures he could to signal that he wanted to go.
“When did you get back?” Kaye interrupted.
“I got back December 20 I think.”
“Oh. When are you leaving?”
“In two days I’m gone.”
“Why didn’t you call me? We could’ve had some fun together.” She said placing her hand on Michael’s chest.
“Whoa. Dude, I’m vibrating.” Kevin said cutting in the conversation.
“And that means we’ve got to go. Later Kaye. Won’t be seeing you.”
“That would be sad, I wish we could’ve spent some private time together.”
“Well, too bad for you I guess. I’m with someone right now and I know she won’t break my heart on my birthday because she actually loves me unlike some people. Bye.” Michael turned and walked away.
“I guess I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I what I did to you…” She shouted back. The words fell on deaf ears.

They made it to the car, which was supposed to be only a ten-minute walk. They were late Michael thought. Then he remembered that Kevin was vibrating.

“So who was making you vibrate?”
“It was Riz, she asked if we were hungry and I said yea we were. So be ready for some hot dogs and all that.”
“Sounds good to me.”


The sounds of the doorbell echo’s through the garage as the brothers from another mother wait to enter. Kevin, once more impatient begins to knock on the steel gate rapidly. He then pulls back, grabs his knuckles and says, “Ouch that hurts.” He then pulled out his phone and dialed. “We’re outside” he said. The whole time this was happening, Michael was shaking his head in amusement.

The tall steel gate opened and there stood Riz’ wearing the usual t-shirt and jeans but something was different. She had an amazing glow of happiness and excitement, which puzzled both Michael and Kevin. They were curious because Riz would never be so excited to see either of them considering they were all together the day before. Something was up Michael thought. He looked at Kevin and smiled. Michael had thought that maybe something happened between Kevin and Riz, something that should’ve happened a long time ago. So Michael smiled and gave Riz a hug and said. “You said you have food for me? I’m kinda hungry.”

“Yea, I’ve got a LOT of food.” Riz said with a smug face.
“Yeay food!” Kevin about to walk straight in was stopped.
“Michael first.” Riz said.
“What? Why me? Just lead the way like always.”
“No no no, you first this time. You’re hungry.”
“What about me? I’m hungry too.” Kevin asked in a pitiful voice.
“You can come too. Michael just has to go in first.”
“Alright, whatever, I’ll go first.”

Michael walks in and procrastinates his way towards the inner door. He stood before the big twin wooden doors admiring the ethnic design that he did not notice before. The doors were laced with a vine looking plant that had flowers sprouting in almost every direction. The perfect varnish shine gave it an almost heavenly appearance enticing any observant viewer.

“We’re not going in that door.” Riz said as she stood behind Michael.
“What do you mean? Where are we going then?”
“We’re hanging in the den today. So we go to the back of the house.”
“Why?” Kevin asked.
“Because that’s where everything is setup duh. The food and all is there.”
“Ok, sounds good to me. Lets go.” Michael said, leaping off the small elevation he was perched upon.

This time, Riz and Kevin lead the way. Hopping and skipping around, the two of them jump up and over cracks on the floor and landing on solid surfaces. Such childish fun Michael thought. Soon, he followed suit and began to jump up and around along side his friends.

“So here we are, Michael’s first.”
“Me? All right.”
“why does – “ Kevin gets pulled back by Riz.

He walked in. He looked around and then saw something that made his heart weak, his knees soft, his mind go blank and his emotion run wild. His eyes were wide open as if uncertain to believe them. His mouth was dropped to the floor and had no strength to pull it up.

“Why are you just standing by the door? Get out of my way; I’m hungry t – … Holy Sh - …“ Kevin said as he stood behind Michael equally in shock.
“I told you that tomorrow would be a better day. And if it wasn’t, there would be another tomorrow.”
“Wha – what are you doing here?” Michael said trying to regain his composure. “I thought I would never see you again? I thought that other night was it?”
“It was my idea! I thought it would be nice to give you a surprise because we all know you deserve it. So I talked to Cams” Riz said jumping from side to side like Kevin would if he was excited.
“Kev’, did you know about this? Did you have anything to do with this?”
“Nope. Like I said, I’m as lost as you are Mike”

There she was. She sat upon the third step on the hard wood stairs. She wore a simple denim skirt hanging by her waist and falling just above her knees. She had on a black slightly tight fitted shirt that had the “Justice League” logo on it. “She’s a dork.” Michael thought after looking at logo. She wore a pair of three-inch stiletto heels. Anything she wore seemed to accentuate her dangerous curves and greatly enticing appearance. But all that she wore did not even come close to how the light from the lamp behind her made her look angelic. Her hair, it felt almost like silk as it came with a combination of a light shade of black and a tinge of brown. It gently flowed about as the wind from the ceiling fan blew a soft cool breeze around the room. The light pushed its way past every gap with in the flowing hair. The shadowy figure seemed so detailed as the light added to the dramatic silhouette. She smiled; every crease of her face was a welcome sight. Her nose crinkled at its side when she smiled and all seven dimples appeared. It was an innocent smile, as if she did not know how to smile and it was her first time. She expressed every feeling and emotion she had with one smile. She was the epitome of temptation coming from the perfectly angelic vixen.

Michael stunned and unsure of what to do staggers as if he’s lost his footing, toward Cams. He kneels before her and looks up. What a sight, he could not speak. He looked curiously at her as if it was the first time he had ever seen her; he then smiled. A smile so big that it stressed his cheeks and moved his ears. He placed his head upon her lap and wrapped his arms around her legs. He hugged her in a manner a mortal would hug a goddess.

She placed one hand on his head and the other by his shoulder; gesturing to get up, as if saying that he was worthy to give her a real hug.
“Wait.” She said, pushing him away so that she could stand. She stood on the third step making her appear to tower over Michael. “All right, now you can hug me.”

“Maybe we should give them some privacy?” Riz said
“No way, I’m sitting right here, this is like a movie. It’s great drama.” Kevin says making his way to the futon.
“No, I think we should leave them alone… NOW.” Riz said with a stern scary voice.
“But I’m hungry, and there’s hotdogs and popcorn… wait, isn’t Michaels favorite snack popcorn… why do you have three bags of popcorn?” Kevin looks around, he gasps as a thought had entered his head. He jumps off the futon pointing around and then at the two hugging. He said. “Oh, oh, oh! OH!”
“Shut up Kevin. It’s not what you think. And its popcorn, what can we do with popcorn?” Cams said, breaking the hug. Michael looked back and said. “Why is there a lot of popcorn? I like popcorn but three bags?”
“Really? What I am thinking could not be what your thinking. So how do you know what I’m thinking of? I could be thinking of something else or someone else thinking of me.” Kevin stopped. He looked up and then around and said, “I just confused my self.”
“And everyone else too. Now lets give them some privacy!” Riz said as she interrupted Kevin’s contemplative moment by tugging him by his shoulder and out the door they went.
“So. Um. Why is there a lot of popcorn? And I did notice that little bottle of rum behind you.” Michael said as he takes Cams hand in his.

Their fingers interlock and hold tight but then quickly loosen…

“Oh you silly and naughty little boy; nothings going to happen! I just thought you’d like some popcorn considering it’s your favorite snack.”
“And what about the rum? Where did that come from? Or I mean, what purpose does that serve?”
“Ah… um… rums just rum. Nothing else.”
“Sure. If you say so.” Michael says making his way to the futon.

He sits down and looks around. He pays attention to the color of the walls, it was white, and the ambiance of the room, it was calm. He saw her standing across the room. She just stood there, with her hair covering half her face. She brushed it off and slowly walked towards him and sat next to him. She placed her head on his shoulders and his arms made its way around her.

“Am I dreaming? I think I’m dreaming because it looks and feels like a dream…”
“Oh you’re not dreaming.” Cams said as she moved upward, flipped around and sat on Michaels lap. She looked at him and brought her face close to his. They could hear each other breathing. She kissed him…


“I wanted to be in the room! They looks so happy!” Kevin said, pulling out a cig’
“Did you just say ‘looks’ so happy?” Ha-ha wrong grammar! But dude, give them some space you know. Like if you and I were together, would you want someone looking at us or staring at us?” Riz said, raising her eyebrow in sarcasm.
“Well, that did kind of happen at Michael house. We were kind of close and – “
“And nothing! We were… doing… nothing. That’s it. Change the topic alright?”
“Fine. Lets talk about them instead. Fair?”
“That’s fair.”
“I think this whole thing is going to blow up in front of them. Don’t get me wrong; I have never seen them, both of them, this way. We’ve been friends for a while and I have not seen anything like this.” Kevin said.
“I know. Cams told what happened before, how they were sort of together but because they were so far away, she had to end it. I see her point because it wasn’t practical, it wasn’t right.” Riz said as she sat beneath a tree that had been growing outside of her house for a long time.
“I think that’s a load of bull. You know, love is love no matter what. Doesn’t matter how far or near you are, love brings things together and its really immature to try and run away from that.”
“Exactly but I wasn’t going to say that to her. So I just supported her in the best way I can. It’s just that, when she saw him for the first time, in a long time, she felt all her emotions come running back. And did you notice? That she didn’t stay long? She tried to walk away?”
“Yea I did notice. Its funny, because it’s like both of them didn’t want to fall in love but at the same time made each other fall in love.” Kevin said as he sat next to Riz lighting another cig’
“Its an amazing combination of the sexual part and emotional part rolled into one little pill. And it’s like both of them took it at the same time. Think about it! When they’re around us, they’re all like, touching each other and all that. But when they’re alone, they’re both so serious and what not.” Riz said.
“Wait, how do you know that they’re serious alone? Serious doing what?!” Kevin excitedly asked.
“God! Seriously in love dip shit!
“Whoa, sorry. I was just asking. So around us is when the sexual side comes up and when they’re alone the love part comes up? Isn’t that sort of ass backwards?” Kevin asked scratching his head.
“Well, not really because they love at the right times and they have fun at the right times you know?
“Yea, I just hope that they’re as happy as they’re pretending.”
“What do you mean Kev’?”
“Well, think about it, they’re happy now because they’re together but what happens in a couple days? They wont be so happy. So its like they’re just pretending now.”
“I hope its more then just pretending. Both of them know each other and what makes them who they are. And I think that goodbye doesn’t really mean anything at all considering they’re still alive and not dead even if they’re going to be oceans apart. No matter what, I know Michael will come and catch her if she falls. No matter what.”
“And what would cams do if Michael falls?” Kevin asked, looking at Riz waiting for the right answer.
“She’ll probably let him fall.”
“How cold. But she could help him up after and all.”
“Look, think about it. You and I knew Cams the best. When she’s faced with something she can’t deal with, she lets it be and leaves it alone. It’s like putting a band aid on a big wound.”
“She smokes too.”
“What the hell has that got to do with anything?” Riz said as she was confused by the comment.
“Nothing. She’s the one that’s like living healthy with the vegetarian thing and doesn’t like the smoke but she smokes. I don’t know.”
“That had absolutely no connection to what we were talking about. You’re very strange”
“I know, that why I’m your best friend.”


Knock-knock

“Hey guys, put your clothes back on! Enough private time!” Riz said as she slowly opened the door to the den.
“Is it safe to come in? I don’t want to see Michael naked.” Kevin said with some fear
“But it’s alright for you to see Cams naked?” Michael said.
“Well, she’s a girl and she’s hot. You, you’re just a dude. What can I say?”

Riz and Kevin entered and saw the two holding each other, lying in each other’s arms. They looked so comfortably perfect holding each other. Michael wiggles out and gets up; he stretches a bit.

“So what do you guys say to one last coffee run?” Michael asked everyone.
“Sounds good bro’” Kevin said happily and quickly walks over to offer him a smoke.
“Yea, let me just get my shoes” Cams said, getting off the futon.

All four friends make their way to the car, then onwards to the coffee shop. Along the way, they sang every song that played on the radio. It was a perfect time to get lost. They looked around at every light lining the road. Through the window, the lights blend into a singular shade of crimson yellow. At a glance, it created a fire like illusion hovering above the dark black road. On the horizon, they could see the flare of the peaceful white and green colors of the coffee house.

They made it to the coffee house. With a brand new cup of iced coffee to help them cool off during the warms summer nights, a new pack of Winston lights cigarettes, the friends we set up for hours and hours of memorable talk and story time.

Laughter.

“Mike, remember the time we went on that road trip just to crash a party?”
“Yea Kev’ when we got there, people were already leaving!”
“Where was I that time?” Cams asked, taking a cig in hand and lighting it.
“Since when did you smoke? Mike shockingly asked.
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t.”
“Then why did you ask?” Michael leaned over, took out a Zippo lighter and snapped it open, lighting her cig.
“Well, Cams, I think we went out dancing that time. I’m not sure.” Riz answered the question and cut the tension.
“Bitch” Michael quickly added.
“Ass” Cams said as she stared back at Michael.

A few more hours passed. Customers have come and gone, leaving the four friends in their little table talking, singing and laughing. It was close to midnight; Michael was leaving soon. Kevin brought this to attention as he accidentally looked over his shoulder and saw the clock.

“Dude, look. Its close to midnight…”
“Yea, I know… I saw…”
“Well, Mike. I’ll see you online I guess right?” Riz said, breaking the temporary silence fallen on the table. “Give me a hug.”

They hugged, forcing Kevin to get up and leap towards them almost causing them to fall over. In all of this, only Cams stayed in her seat.

“Well brother, I just called for a ride, I'm going to take Riz home. You take care of your self all right? And don’t forget, I am my brothers keeper, you are my brother and I love you.” Kevin offers his hand. Michael reaches over and instead of giving him a firm handshake, he pulls Kevin in and hugs him as brothers do.
“Love you Mike, I’m going to miss you.” Riz leans over and gives Michael a kiss on the cheek.
“Later guys, and don’t worry, I may have to be home tonight but my flight is still tomorrow morning. Couple days…”
They turn and walk into the darkness of the lot. No light was shone upon them and thus completely melded with the shadow. Michael sits down and smiles. “They are real friends.” He thought to himself. As he was thinking of his two friends, he felt a hand on his; it was Cams.

“What on your mind. You’ve been kind of distant?”
“Me? I’m not the one being the bitch tonight”
“Oh shut up. I’m showing sympathy and I’m asking; so what’s up?” Cams said leaning over and killing her smoke.
“You know I’ve been a little confused. Its like I’ve been distracted from what I want.”
“What do you want then?”
“I want this! That’s one thing. I want you but I also want my dreams and goals. The hard part about it is that I cant have both. Not now at least.”

Silence

“See, its like I’ve been waiting for something and I don’t know what. Like I’ve been tempted by a lot but I haven’t found the right temptation. I’ve been chasing something that looks like my dreams but its vague and I’ve been doing everything and anything to take it. In all that I’ve done, I really don’t know what I want just yet; nothing was certain. But when I saw you walking down those steps, I remembered. It was like tunnel vision you were all that I saw, it was a slow motion entrance and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I found the right temptation. Its you, this has been the only certain thing that I could see and we’re not even that certain about this.” Michael bowed his head down unable too look into her eyes. “I have to go soon”

The lights of the coffee shop one by one dimmed and died. Although the shop was open all night, lights were still shut and chairs were flipped and placed on top of tables in hopes to deter new coming customers. The employees were tired as they ran the shop all day and then night; they too wanted to go home. The bright yellow overhead lamps dimmed over the empty green tables and chairs. The normally pine green shade of the tables gave an almost earthy comfort as the yellow light bounced around. This night, there was no real comfort as there was only one table left.

“I don’t want you to go but I know you have to. So I want you to go. I know you cant live here and you don’t belong here. You are destined for greater things. But what am I going to do? Wait? Should I just wait for you?” Cams said reaching for another cig. The stress apparently triggers an urge to smoke Michael thought.

“I want this. I know you can do this. I know you; you’re strong and able. But I can’t force you to do anything. Its all up to you, I want you to be happy and you know where I stand.” He said as he took out his Zippo lighter and handed it to her.
“You make me happy, being physically here with me makes me happy. But you being away and living your life, doing all that you can to make your dreams happen, that also makes me happy.” Taking his lighter in hand and flipping it open, then shut.
“So what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ll be fine. To know that you will be fine; makes me fine.”
“I wont be fine.”
“Don’t say that. Not now. But honestly I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do things with out you. Its only because I love you; you do know that right?” Michael said.
“Yea I know. I feel it and I…I…” Cams stutters.
“You don’t have to say it. I know because I feel it. And that’s much bettered then it being said. Its just that when there is nothing else to say or rather, that captures it all, then those words are said.”

Cams angrily threw her have smoked cig on the ground; looked Michael straight in the eyes and through her almost tears said, “but no matter how much you try to rationalize it. I wanted you to be holding me... in a quite dark room, so I could whisper it in your ear', and kiss you softly on the cheek, and smile...and then be my normal self, by getting up, walking away, seeing if you'd chase me.”

She was ice. There was nothing that could make her cry. She had a great control over her own emotions and knew when to bounce from sadness directly to the opposite. On one hand this was a good thing, as the emotion does not take hold. But Michael knew that it wasn’t always the case. He knew that she would pull out right before the emotion is felt hence depriving her of the feeling and knowledge of that emotion.

“Yea. You would do that. Say something heavy then leave me flippantly.” Michael snickered. “Look, we’ll do what ever you want. If you want this to end, it will but don’t think that I won’t fight for this. I will fight. But if you want to forget me, if you would much rather do that. Then that’s what we’ll do. If it hurts, forget me.”

“What the hell, don’t say something like that, that’s just stupid. I wont forget you. I can’t forget you, but I don’t know if I can do this too.“

“So like I said, tell me what you want and that’s what we’ll do. You know?”
“Yea I know. Go home, I’ll call you before you leave tomorrow, or rather, later.”
“I love you Cams… I do…”
“Go home…”

Michael looked deeply into her eyes and saw right through her. All he saw was the impending doom that loomed over their love. He got up, kissed her for what he thought was the last time, hugged her as if it was their very first hug, held her hands tight and close to his chest, placed his forehead to hers, bit his lower lip as she did and then leaned back and left.

Cams watched as Michael turned his back, and one step after the other, made his way into the darkness of the night and to the black top parking lot. His head was down and he dragged his feet, he did not have the usual confident strut of happiness he always had. He looked as if he was being held back by a large ball and chain. Before he took that final step into the dark, he looked back at where the light still shined. He looked at her as she stood there, under the last yellow light of the coffee shop. The light showered upon her its last warmth and then, the light was shut.


January 10, 2005

Michael made it home in no time at all. He made his way into his room and then onto his bed to try and get some rest. It would be close to one in the morning by now, meaning his flight would be in seven hours. He lay there, sleepless, his mind running after every thought that entered his mind. He thought to him self, “What am I doing? I should at least tell everyone how I feel or something. Even if they already know it.”

He got up and wrote, as he always did. When thoughts become more then ideas, when ideas become burdens, when they stopped by his throat, choking him, he wrote. Sitting down by his desk, he wrote. He wrote about it all, the thoughts, emotions, feelings and everything in between, he wrote; it was his escape.

“You always reminded me that living life didn’t always have to be so serious. Jumping up and down and all around makes for a great laugh; a much needed laugh. Thanks to you, and our six year friendship, I have found more then a friend, I have found a brother.”

“You two remind me that distance is irrelevant. Because the love and unconditional support will always be there because nothing changes, we are still together. You two mean the world to me and as you have said, I mean the world to you. I just hope you know that no matter where I am, I will always be there for you laying in the bricks and showing you the way.”

“My conscience, my Super Ego always keeping me in check. Constantly reminding me that we see things differently because we are unique. As every one seeks out the silence, we take comfort in the noise.”

“Being on the same boat with you makes this much more entertaining and comforting. To know that you always have my back and no matter what drama I have you would be there. You’d show your support with some juice, snacks, hotdogs and what not. All the comfort foods would always be found at your place, and we would automatically be invited.”

“For being the only real lighthouse I’ve ever had. Showing me the doors and the options and for not leading the way. Showing me that my life is my life and you are on the sidelines cheering me on, which is what I really needed. All the more now when I’m alone, you’ve never left my side.”

“The only one who has ever shown me a mutual exchange. The only one that made me work and slave for what I wanted. You are the romantic realist that every guy hates and loves. Luckily, I hate and love you; which made for this dynamic that I wont ever forget. Thanks for breaking my heart and mending it more then once.”

It was a letter of sorts. Random thoughts that Michael felt he had to say one-way or the other. It is true that somethings could go unsaid, but sometimes they are worth saying. The reassurance is what he knew he owed them, all of them, for their love and support.

Four more hours, he had to get dressed. He did. He made his way down for one last home-cooked meal. After that, it was a slow decent into his sisters room. Flipping on the light switch, he saw them sleeping. They were wrapped in their blankets and snuggled next to their pillows. “Was I going to break their happy dreams with the reality that I was leaving. Or would it be my dreams that would be broken by reality?” Michael thought to himself.

His father was outside, waiting, smoking. He walked in and saw Michael watching his sisters sleep. He placed his hand on his sons shoulder and gripped it tight. He said, “Wake them.” And so Michael did. He took two steps and sat on the foot of the bed. He shook the ankles of his sisters and they woke. Their happy dreams were gone as they saw their only brother, their older brother, with tears in his eyes. He was crying. That night, hearts cried, as they knew that they had to say goodbye. They got up and out of bed and hugged their brother tight. So tight that none wanted to let go, they held each other as if it was the last time. In a sense, it would be the last time they would ever hold their brother and their brother hold his sisters. Their father was there, standing there unable to move as he watched this greatly difficult scene. What was a father to do if he could not alleviate the pain his children had. That would be the greatest torture to any loving parent.

The clock buzzed signaling that it was five in the morning, and the airport was a distance away. “You have to leave, come on son.”
“Yes dad.” Michael said, looking back at his father. “Now you two, email, chat or call. Anything all right?” he said turning back towards his sisters.
“We love you ok? I hope you know that.”
“I love you two so much.” Michael gave them one last hug and then walked away.
“Pop, I will see you soon. Thank you. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
“I always worry about you son, it’s my job but I know you will do great things because you are destined for great things. You’ve already proven that when you left the first time and no matter what happens, know that I am already proud of you and that you will always be welcome to come home.”

As every father and son hug, they hugged. But they were not the everyday father son tag team. They were more then that; they were friends, comrades, and partners no matter what. Hence the love and respect they have for each other, was greater then any other father-son combination.

Michael made his way to his car; it was five thirty in the morning. He got in and drove away. In his rear view mirror he could see his father standing by the door, lighting a cig’ and soon after, his sisters running out onto the street watching Michael drive away.

Fifteen minutes into his drive to the airport, his phone rings. He picked it up and looked at it, it was Cams. He wondered what she was going to say. He answered.

“Hey. I know this is like the worst possible moment but it has to be done. You’re leaving and I don’t want you to have something that holds you back. I’ve made up my mind, you're wonderful and what we had was great, but I’m not going to keep holding on to it. I’m not going to live in front of the computer, or keep missing you just because the time you had here was cut short. It was fun, but I think it's time to accept the reality that it is not going to work. Long distance, doesn't work, not for anyone. That’s just how it is.”

“You’re laying this on me now? You’ve got really bad timing you know that?”

Silence

“So just like that we’re done? That’s a bullshit excuse and you know that. You and I both know this was much more then a tawdry teen lust romance thing. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just forget that there was ever anything there. I don’t choose who I love but that’s just how it is, I love you. And because of that, I’m not asking you to live your life in front of a computer waiting. If anything, I want you to do what you want. Travel the world climb the stairs of every monument and make your mark! It’s just that sometimes you have to take a risk. Life its self is a risk!” Michael yelled into his phone.

“Well what am I going to do? What do you want me to do Michael? I know you didn't ask me to live my life in front of the computer or whatever, but that's the way it's going to happen, that's the way it will happen if we continue this charade, pretending that something like this is actually possible. Even if love does not have boundaries, people's capabilities do. I don't want to break your heart… Again. But as you said, we don't choose who we love, so I guess it's not in my hands for you to choose not to love me or otherwise. Then again, you also said that you were willing to take the risk. Every risk has consequences; it's just a part of life. But then life goes on, and love is found elsewhere, whether we choose it to or not.”

“Don’t do this to me now, not now, I’m fucking on my way to the fucking airport! Don’t break my heart again because this time I don’t know if I could handle it.”

“Michael, you said it your self, Carpe Diem. The only thing is that, that day is over. “

Distracted, Michael’s car began to drift onto up coming traffic. Inch by sure inch Michael found himself on the wrong side of the road. It was early in the morning, there was only a small volume of cars but were a large volume of delivery trucks. This was the delivery hour, truck drivers making their way from headquarters to their destinations trying avoiding traffic.

“You’ve always wanted what you could not have. You know what, I love you that much is true but all I see right now is someone who is lost, insecure and afraid. What are you afraid of? Me not loving you for whom you are? I that’s who I love, I love you underneath it all. I just don’t understand. But you know what, if this is really what you want, then this is what I give you. I hope you’re as happy as you’re pretending because you keep on running? Where do you run to so far?”

It took a lot for Michael to give it up and throw in the towel. He fought, but saw that it would be pointless. It would be like forcing someone to do what he or she did not want. Michael was not like that; he always gave an option, a choice, he wanted people to think for themselves.

As he said this, he looked down, his eyes moving around the detail of his car and he wondered where the bright lights were coming from. He looked upon the neon orange tinge of the radio, with numbers 89.9fm. The clock was suspended; it was flashing a permanent fifth hour white. He felt the heat from the lime green glow of his phone by his ear. Everything began to mellow and be silent. He could not hear anything behind the yelling, the anger and the sadness. He did not hear the loud attention grabbing horn of the delivery truck coming straight at him. At that instant, the bright lights came closer and closer. It came so close that its lights died and the blaring sound of the delivery truck’s horn mellowed. The shattering glass jumped up and flew across the interior of the car.

It was slow, he could see each and every splinter rotate and reflect the flicker of light. Silence befell upon the scene; there was no movement, no life. Amidst all the chaos, his cell phone was floating in the air and gently crashed down a few feet from the site. The phone was still alive.

“Hello? What was that sound? Michael, are you there? Are you all right? Michael…?”

A gory scene of a battered flipped over car lay upon the center of the road. The shattered windshield was scattered on both sides of the road. The fuel dripped from a punctured gas tank and splattered upon the asphalt. The rear wheels were still rotating because the force was that great. Nothing else seemed animated except the squeaking of the wheels and the dripping of the gas. Adjacent to where it laid, a large white delivery truck stood tall and unaffected by the unfathomable collision. Plastered upon its side, a Hindu word, Maya. It was a delivery truck carrying white paint to the local hardware store.

He had left the place he knew, his paradise. Here he sought a refuge, a place where he could let loose and relax. Instead, he had found a place similar but different. The people, his friends had the same names but they were all different. The places’ titles have not changed and yet they have. Here he found more then a time to relax, he found time to live. Here he found time to not only relax and forget; he had time to learn.



A few hours after Michael left, his father walked into his room. By the door he stood, staring into the room that had once held with in it his only son. He walked around, looking at the photo’s that were on the wall. He smiled. He walked some more to check if Michael had left anything. He came across a small little folder upon Michael’s desk, in it; he found the letters he wrote to his friends, his sisters and to him.

He sat down on the bed to read what was upon the folder. It said,

“Live day to day, but remember your scares for they reminds us that the past was real.”

He opened it and took out the small letter address to him. He smile and cried all at once as he loved his son and knew that he was going to miss him a great deal. He read it over and over, and each time he did, he found a new reason to smile and laugh then cry. After he regained his composure, he got up and walked down towards his daughters’ room.

He knocked on the door hoping that they were still awake; they were. So he walked in and gave them each the letter Michael had written to them. He found them sitting together in silence. They looked up and smiled through their tears at their father.

“Do me a favor guys, could you call Kevin, Riz and Cams so that they could pick up their letters. And these are for you.”
“What are they?”
“Your brother wrote you two a short letter.”
“Really?”

The fact that Michael had written them letters caused them to almost cry once more.

“Let me call them first and we’ll read the letters together”

With in twenty minutes, Kevin, Riz and Cams were at the door. They were let in by Michael’s father and one by one, as they entered, he handed them their respective letters…

It began to rain that morning. It started out as a partially cloudy day; it was cool and slightly uncomfortable as the humidity set in.

“You got to love Michael you know? He’s really our friend. The only ship that won’t sink is our friendship.” Kevin said, trying to alleviate the depressing atmosphere that they resided in.

“Yea… but… I talked to him this morning and our ‘conversation’ was cut short because there was a loud crash…” Cams said.

“What do you mean a loud crash?” Everyone said in chorus as the shock slapped away the sadness.


The sun was setting on the tenth of January. The colors of the day were blending in with the night. The reds, yellows and oranges fused with the blues of the sky making it look like a smear. The reflection of the sky upon the dark asphalt made all the colors of the dying sky brighter, stronger and at the same time, weaker because all the colors melded into a tired night. Every inch the sun went down, the purple and black of the night came upon it with its shining white stars and its pale moon. It was such a sight to watch the heavenly bodies dance the eternal dance; fight an eternal war, as their colors and essences fused. But this dance could only be seen with in our minds and not through our eyes. In truth they did not dance, they did not fight; they lived. The stars did not go away when the sun shined bright, they were merely out shone. When the moon came, the sun did not go away, it was still there, shinning upon another.

Such is the reality of life and love, things appear to change but there are few that don’t. There are few that will be eternal. The height of happiness and its briefness is one, the vulnerability of love and the pain it brings is another and the eternal ache of knowing that love was not mutual, was not exchanged; these are few things that will not change.

But know that love is much more then a physical touch and go thing. Love is not even a thing, it is more like air, it is there but it is not. Love is ethereal, more then ephemeral; it is a welcome febrile reaction that hurts. It’s supposed to hurt because if it doesn’t, it’s not worth anything.

The End

¶ 9:37 AM //